Beach

It seems kind of silly, but....

If you sit in the Rose Garden at APU, where the enclave is surrounded by offices with an old style architecture, and view of the rest of the school is cut off, then you can look up above the buildings, see the palm trees and clear skies, and listen to the birds and the sound of the street, which sounds like an ocean, and imagine you are sitting at the beach. It's a very pleasant feeling, especially considering I worked my ass off to get here on time, and now my prof is late. I hope the rest of the day is like this imaginary beach, not my late professor.

~wes~

Drawing

Breathe in,

Breathe out.

That simple.

Breathe in,

Breathe out

Shut your eyes

Breathe in

Breathe out

Tighten your fists

Breathe in

Breathe out

Clench

Breathe in

Breathe out

Fume

Breathe in

Breathe out

Mourn

Breathe in

Breathe out

Empty your mind

Breathe in

Breathe out

Grieve

Breathe in

Breathe out

Blame

Breathe in

Breathe out

Open your eyes

Breathe in

Breathe out

Shut your eyes

Breathe in

Open your eyes

Breathe out

Shut your eyes

Breathe in

Breathe out

Breathe in

Wait

Wait

Wait

Wait

Open your eyes

Breathe out.

Stare.

There we go.

...

*sigh*

Problem Solved

Why is it, when the problem is solved, I am still upset? Does somebody want to explain this to me?

I get so sick and tired of the church atmosphere, maybe being at APU isn't the best idea for me.

I am so ashamed to have thought how this school thinks, and to have believed what this school believes. How can I even venture to have an opinion now, to fight for what I believe, when there's the chance I might look back and realize myself an even bigger fool?

Cynicism is like this: In Fight Club, there's a clever trick the producers put in that the viewer doesn't catch the first time. Before Tyler Durden is revealed as a character, let alone the narrator's alternate persona, there will be single frame flashes of Tyler Durden in unrelated contexts. At first view, almost no viewer catches this, but once it's pointed out, you cannot un-see the Tyler flash. You might wish to unsee it, and you might hate that you see it (for whatever reason; this is an illustration), but it wont go away. In fact, you might even find yourself looking forward to that flash.

Now replace Fight Club with church, and replace Tyler Durden flashes with opportunities to be angry and cynical.

I cannot unsee what the church did and does. I cannot unsee what religion did and does and will do in the name of god. And I cannot differentiate between what I see as truth and what I see as anger about past truths.

Ok so I'm a little disjointed tonight. But I just feel like ranting and yelling and screaming at someone, but I can't find anyone to blame.

I'm so sick of going to church and leaving pissed off. Isn't there a single damn service I can go to where the things the speaker says don't frustrate me to the point of nausea? I just want to fight with someone, to vent my anger by laying the blame on a single person or institution. I crave righteous anger towards an obvious and deserving antagonist, but alas; there never was one.

I'm so sick of having so much more emotion than there is output. I'm sick of volatile nights founded in directionless bitterness and reasonless sadness, followed by periods of elation based simply on the attention I receive.

Fuck all of this, I'm just sleepy. Goodnight, everything.

~wes~