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Definitely 2:30 in the morning, and I rise at 8:45...gonna feel this one tomorrow.

Humanity always craves what it doesn't have! Or, at least, I do. I crave explanations and purposes. The "romantic."

“Romance avoids the ambiguities of ordinary life where everything is a mixture of good and bad, and where it is difficult to take sides or believe that people are consistent patterns of virtue or vice. The popularity of romance, it is obvious, has much to do with its simplifying of moral facts.” - Northrop Frye

We cannot have simple morality, and blockbusters are Transformers and Avatar. At the end of the movie, we are engaged and excited, cathartic, not like The Assassination of Jesse James or No Country For Old Men, where we stare at the screen, acutely aware of our own emptiness. Which is more real? Which do we want? Which do we live?

It's mindblowing that I am a creature of such duality. I crave the romantic, the simplified, but could never thrive in it. Religion, action movies, the judicial system are all attempts to explain that which is NOT clear cut. Just like Superhero movies. They don't make movies about the nine months of labor it takes to rebuild Times Square.

I'm bouncing from subject to subject, but how about this. I am around Christians so much, I learn to speak and think like them, and so I answer: they do not serve a simple God. Or, we do not serve a simple God. Lewis - "he is not a tame lion."

When you are struck with how NOT simple everything is, you end up like Dillard or Nietzsche. Like Hitler or Buddha. Struck. Sartre's Anguish, Lacan's Real.

No, seriously. "Bricolage" isn't a theory, it's a lifestyle. It's like I can't say this clearly, but it's because there IS no clarity to be found. Is that why Confucius spoke in abstract sayings? Why Jesus used parables?

"Tell us what to do," we collectively as people ask. "Who is the protagonist? Who is the devil? Who is the romantic interest, the gruff but likable teacher, the token ethnic comic relief, the Judas?"

But your Christianity is not a script. Ask the Jews. Their messiah showed up on a goddam donkey.

I read something interesting recently. Donald Miller, an author I have a good amount of respect for, said there's no such thing as wrong theology. Or, there is wrong theology, but nobody goes to hell for bad theology. Whether it's over the eucharistic rites or polytheism, it's just bad theology. Not damnation. You broke the rules, but hey, since when has Christianity been about rules? Or a more accurate question, since when as salvation been about rules?

How to you LIVE bricolage? It's easy for me to say, don't judge my ideals, don't fix me into a box, let my center play, but then settle on my own centers.

My roommate just sleep-spoke in spanish. I should go to bed.

I think I will always thrive in the grey, but I think I will always crave the romantic

I think I will never hear a god, and I think that that does not disprove god

I think the world will always reject centerlessness, and will always embrace romanticism, because that's what I want to do too.

I think I may never, ever lose this heartache. Sartre, when does the Anguish stop? Yes, we are purposeless. There is no script. But there is a hole, filled with action movies.

But, what the fuck do I know? Bricolage.

Artist's Way

So it's a hokey, heavy handed book. I guess enough of my cynicism about the world and everything in it has abated for me to try to find the gem amongst the clichés.

I think it's telling to human nature that we are so drawn to straightforward answers. We want other people to tell us how to do it. Instructions, if you will.

I will clean my apartment on Sundays. That's what I've gotten so far.