Belief

There is a big difference between knowledge and belief. In fact, they have little to do with each other. However, people, or at least I, naturally put them together unconsciously. The problem is that quite often, what we believe has little to do with what we know, and what we know has little to do with what we believe.

I often have trouble believing in god. Is this my fault? Should I be ashamed of this? Or worse, is my disbelief a failing on my behalf because I didn't go to church enough of because I watched too many movies with violence and sex scenes? If that is the god of the christian faith, I renounce my faith right now.

Can a person even have any control over what they believe in at all? Sure, you can have an influence. I can make myself more apt to believing in god by surrounding myself with people who do, and by immersing myself in christian ideology. But what I believe seems to go a little deeper than that.

Take a kid, abused by his dad when he was little. He believes dad's are evil. That's irrational; there are good dads everywhere. He's seen good dads, his friends' dads have been nice to him, but he still believes, despite all the evidence on the contrary, that dads are evil. Can this child be blamed for this? Is it his fault he doesn't believe dads are good? And can this child, by learning that dads aren't all bad, change this viewpoint?

I don't know. I think it's perfectly possible for the kid to see his friends dad being nice and say "wow, dads are cool" just like that. Apparently that wasn't a very well fortified belief. Also, it's perfectly possible for the kid to spend the rest of his life with foster fathers or friends' fathers who are fantastic, and believe his whole life that dads are still evil. So it's like this.

Knowledge does not warrant belief.

I also think suspicion is a premature form of belief. If you suspect something, you have already come to the belief that it is possible, and have decided that unless evidence for the contrary appears, that it is the most likely outcome.

I often suspect that the old testament is a load of bullshit.

I often suspect that christianity is a gimmick to make people live right.

I suspect that there are ulterior motives behind many of jesus's teachings.

I suspect that there is no hope for anything changing ever.

I suspect that religion is so filled with self fulfilling prophecies that it makes it impossible to distinguish between the will of god and the will of man.

I suspect that the world of revelation in the bible and heaven and hell are just ploys to make living a fulfilling life appear worthwhile.

I suspect that elements of religion are fully aware that there are huge gaps in the logic of religion, and choose to glaze over it for fear of "rebellion"

I suspect that it's impossible to gauge whether a person is getting "better" or "worse," which makes it impossible to gauge whether the world is getting better or worse.

I suspect that prayer is a form of self-help, similar to talking to a therapist, except god never says "how does that make you feel?"

I suspect that people find god where they are looking for him. Like in church, the bible, prayer, polygamy, adulatory, pornography, etc.

I suspect god is silent and inactive.

I suspect our "relationship with god" is highly dictated by how we feel at the time.

I suspect that there are too many contradictions to comprehend or to justify in the bible.

I suspect that I am very afraid that I may believe these things already.


I am very ashamed for thinking these things and very afraid of them. But the problem is, I can't help it. These are conclusions I have drawn through processes of elimination during my pursuit of knowledge. Please! Give me more knowledge. Fix the inconsistencies that I have developed through accident. And don't try to remind me that the pursuit of knowledge of futile, because I'll never gain it all. So is the pursuit of world peace.

Where are you god, when I ask questions that make people angry with me? Why don't you step in and answer my questions? Why would you let your servant wander hopelessly in the desert with no will to call out? Am I not good enough for your time? Can you not set my mind at rest? You tell us to cry out when we are weary, that you will take our yokes upon you. Well here it is! Take it! Why is it still here? I would love nothing more than to be satisfied with the answers to my questions.