More Late Night Frustration With God

So here's my problem.

Belief.

Can I choose to believe anything? The answer:

No.

There is no such thing as belief. Well, technically, because the human capacity for knowledge is so minimal, everything is belief. But a person believes something because they are shown that it is true.

Nobody purposely believes something they think is false, right?

And being asked to change belief is ridiculous. That's why "conversion" (oh, how I despise that word) never works very well; the converter must convince the convertee that what they are saying is true. I can no more choose to believe in god if everything I've learned says otherwise than you can choose to be buddhist from here on out, just because.

So if I can't choose what I believe, then it's based on what I see as truth. And what I see as truth is what I'm shown by the world and the people around me.

I have no desire to abandon god. Why would I? It's around the christian god that my entire upbringing was based, and upon which my morality orbits. Everything I think, say, and do is through the christian lens. But if every bit of information I receive is just more and more contrary information to what god claims, well, what am I supposed to do?




Also, faith. I'm not sure I understand faith. Is faith belief in something? Just straight belief: like I have faith that the sun will rise in the morning. If that's faith, then I have the same issue that I do with belief.

Is faith then, like the second definition according to dictionary.com, belief in something without proof? Even this I can swallow; honestly, there is no proof for anything anyways. I can have faith in god without proof.

My problem is here. Is faith belief in something, contrary to the proof provided? Is it a requirement of faith to SUSPEND ALL LOGIC AND INTELLECT for the something to make sense? That can't be right! There is absolutely no way that the god that created me as a questioning and deep thinking individual could ever ask me to give up what is my strength for him to be real. That is pathetic.


So you people who I talk to, when you say "have faith," what the hell does that mean? Does that mean, "hold on, god's coming to get you?" Well, I'm waiting. Or does it mean, "Stop questioning?" Cause in that case, keep your faith. I'm not interested.





I am doubting thomas. When my friends tell me, "jesus is alive," I say, I wont believe until I see the holes in his hands. There are many reasons for this.
- Perhaps I loved jesus the most out of any of you, and now he's gone, and I'm not willing to risk myself for such a huge, life crushing dissapointment.
- Maybe it's because I'm smart, and things like ressurection aren't to be taken lightly, let alone without question.
- It could be that I'm level headed, and watching out for my friends; imagine how heartbroken peter would be if he learned that jesus wasn't really back.
- Maybe I'm skeptical because of my experiences with these crazy apostles already so far. People tend to exaggerate or see what they want to see.

Or maybe I just don't like being lied to. It hurts a lot to get decieved, and I don't want it to happen. If jesus claimed to be god, and then was killed by mere man, and I SAW him die, then how could he come back? What if you're wrong? What if you're lying? It's foolish to say anything but show me your hands and feet.

But according to the bible, he did, didn't he? Jesus showed thomas his hands and his feet. The god of the new testament was not bound by thomas's doubt. So there is no reason he should be bound by my doubt now.

God, if you're there, then I am praying. I cannot believe until I see the holes in your hands. I can't see a reason why if you could show thomas, you can't show me. So I'm praying, as desperate as I've ever prayed, prove yourself to me. Make youself more than a story for me. I need it NOW, because I don't have any stamina to keep this indecisiveness up any longer.



~wes~