Metal

So I spend an awful lot of my time really, really angry. But for no reason.

Who am I angry at?

The last post suggests that it's god. I'm pissed the fuck off at god and her hypocrisy, or the hypocrisy with which she is represented. Is that accurate though? I can't honestly think of a time when I've 'experienced' god in a manner that wasn't so highly clouded by emotion or expectation that it was real. So who am I to lay all this blame on a being that may or may not even exist?

I also think I am angry at a lot of people, but I can't say who or why.

I could be angry with my parents for getting divorced, but honestly, seeing them so much less miserable makes ME happy, and knowing that they have both grown so much, especially my mom and her school and career, brings me tremendous joy.

I could be angry at chelsea, or at any of my ex girlfriends, but how narcissistic is it to lay the blame of one's sadness on someone who was only half of the situation? That's not accurate at all. Besides, each time I have lost someone, I have fallen more in love later; it's kinda like seasoning, preparing me for the person I stay with (preferably) until I'm dead.

I could be angry at my friends, but what did they do? Not anything, really...just be people. I used to have patience and love for humanity, especially the humanity of my friends, and now I just find myself with disgust and disdain.

I KNOW I am angry at the church. That's one of the few things I am sure of. But why am I angry, dammit?



My mom is a really smart lady, who has spent a lot of time in school and in therapy, learning about people and how they feel and think. She says that guilt and anger are grief left un-grieved. So what is it that I could be grieving that would make me so incredibly angry?

The first thing I think of when I hear the word grief is death. And death is only sad because of loss, right? The loss of a life. When a family is grieving, they are usually grieving the loss of a family member; when a person is wracked with grief, they may have just watched their family die, or seen their friends killed. In a more superficial manner, a person who desperately loves their car, more than any person or thing or idea in life is struck by grief when they are in a car accident, not because of the closeness to death, but because of the loss, the death of their beloved, their car.

So maybe what am I not grieving? What loss have I experienced that I am unable or unwilling to face, that makes me so incredibly furious?

Honestly...I think Nietzsche. I think I am mourning the death of god. Who else could make me so angry? Perhaps I am mourning the realization that I have been lied to most of my life; that the god I was told cares about me and my family and everyone isn't anything at all but a figment of the hopeful and desperate imaginations of religious zealots. That the voice of god is just the Id, speaking out what it desires in a way that satisfies the Superego. That miracles are just coincidences magnified by an expectant eye to the point of distortion, that the bible is just a convenient collection of writers who all read each other's works, and that the church is just a group of people who think that they are set apart and better than everyone else.

I mourn the death of someone I once thought I loved. That's why I hate, that's why I am angry. Maybe.

I feel tired now.

Goodnight.

~wes~

I hate you jesus

I hate you jesus.

I hate you god.

I hate you holy spirit

I hate you trinity

I hate you church

I hate you "merciful father"

I hate you genesis

I hate you bible

I hate you gospel

I hate you worship

I hate you church

I hate you preachers

I hate you christians

I hate you catholics

I hate you western judeo-christian belief system



What does god represent to me? He represents the failure to save my family. He represents the willingness to watch my mother and father and brothers and self hurt and do nothing. He represents the church that has cast me out like a leper. He represents the social atrocities that he refuses to take responsibility for. He represents the death my dating relationship with the girl I love. He represents gossip, dishonesty, judgment, and christianity. He represents the isolation that I feel every day from everything, because of whatever it is that distances me from whatever. He represents destruction, violence, rape and murder, but does so through deception like grace, mercy, and love. He represents how it is illegal on campus for a boy to hold the hand of another boy. He represents the shock and disgust people would show if I violated the cross. He represents mass produced pop music, self help magazines, fucked up and unequal relationships, pressure to attain perfection, nationalism, centuries of lies, unfair grading, nauseating clichés, and most of all, hatred.

I feel bottled up, and with nowhere to release. The desert that is this place offers me no relief, and despite the community, I am alone. And who else to blame but jesus, the motivation for the wrongs done.

The crusades, the witch burnings, and the inquisition were child's play compared to the psychological and spiritual warfare that god is participating in now.

God is narcissism, the desperate need to know that despite what everything else suggests, the world does indeed revolve around us.

God is hunger to get what we want without the moral dilemmas that follow.

God is fear that we don't count, that another person may very well be as important as us.

God is the church that we see and participate in every day, because John Wesley, my namesake, says that tradition is essential to knowing god.

God is selfishness through inspiration to participate in something extraordinary, and as a result, not be forgotten, and to live forever.

God is greed to get what we want without having to say so.

God is pride that we are better than everyone else.


And ultimately, god is nothing more than the church. Because all we can know is the church. God is the institution of religion, the occultist gathering of devotees once a week to channel positive energy through Chris Tomlin and Phil Wickam in hopes that, maybe, if we do it right THIS time, we can stimulate a neural pathway leading to a memory of an emotion we felt and as a result release ample amounts of serotonin in our brains to label it a "spiritual experience" and credit it to god. God is the "Word," a collection of improbable texts from various writers that claim promises that never have been redeemed.


God is experience.

Therefore, I hate god.

Stick that if your goddam pipe and smoke it.




"Slowly she makes her way to the front steps and says, 'You have to realize something, Ed.' ... Carefully now, her statement comes out. 'Believe it or not - it takes a lot of love to hate you like this.' "

- i am the messenger