Metal

So I spend an awful lot of my time really, really angry. But for no reason.

Who am I angry at?

The last post suggests that it's god. I'm pissed the fuck off at god and her hypocrisy, or the hypocrisy with which she is represented. Is that accurate though? I can't honestly think of a time when I've 'experienced' god in a manner that wasn't so highly clouded by emotion or expectation that it was real. So who am I to lay all this blame on a being that may or may not even exist?

I also think I am angry at a lot of people, but I can't say who or why.

I could be angry with my parents for getting divorced, but honestly, seeing them so much less miserable makes ME happy, and knowing that they have both grown so much, especially my mom and her school and career, brings me tremendous joy.

I could be angry at chelsea, or at any of my ex girlfriends, but how narcissistic is it to lay the blame of one's sadness on someone who was only half of the situation? That's not accurate at all. Besides, each time I have lost someone, I have fallen more in love later; it's kinda like seasoning, preparing me for the person I stay with (preferably) until I'm dead.

I could be angry at my friends, but what did they do? Not anything, really...just be people. I used to have patience and love for humanity, especially the humanity of my friends, and now I just find myself with disgust and disdain.

I KNOW I am angry at the church. That's one of the few things I am sure of. But why am I angry, dammit?



My mom is a really smart lady, who has spent a lot of time in school and in therapy, learning about people and how they feel and think. She says that guilt and anger are grief left un-grieved. So what is it that I could be grieving that would make me so incredibly angry?

The first thing I think of when I hear the word grief is death. And death is only sad because of loss, right? The loss of a life. When a family is grieving, they are usually grieving the loss of a family member; when a person is wracked with grief, they may have just watched their family die, or seen their friends killed. In a more superficial manner, a person who desperately loves their car, more than any person or thing or idea in life is struck by grief when they are in a car accident, not because of the closeness to death, but because of the loss, the death of their beloved, their car.

So maybe what am I not grieving? What loss have I experienced that I am unable or unwilling to face, that makes me so incredibly furious?

Honestly...I think Nietzsche. I think I am mourning the death of god. Who else could make me so angry? Perhaps I am mourning the realization that I have been lied to most of my life; that the god I was told cares about me and my family and everyone isn't anything at all but a figment of the hopeful and desperate imaginations of religious zealots. That the voice of god is just the Id, speaking out what it desires in a way that satisfies the Superego. That miracles are just coincidences magnified by an expectant eye to the point of distortion, that the bible is just a convenient collection of writers who all read each other's works, and that the church is just a group of people who think that they are set apart and better than everyone else.

I mourn the death of someone I once thought I loved. That's why I hate, that's why I am angry. Maybe.

I feel tired now.

Goodnight.

~wes~