Weird ass dream

I had a very odd, but somewhat exciting and epic dream.

So there were these carnivorous bees, right? Don't know where they came from, but they started swirling around my mom's kitchen. So we all moved into the living room. Well, I already don't like bees, so when they started swarming, I knew they were gonna kill us, especially when I flipped on the news and it said they were appearing in houses all across america and killing everyone. So my mom, my brother ethan, and I all ran out of the house to the top of the cul-de-sac, to where everyone from the area was hiding. Then I saw this swirling of bees in the very middle, so I ran off screaming at everyone to run with me, but only my brother followed, cause everyone else thought I was being retarded, and so when we got to the bushes down the street, we looked back and everyone was dead. So I hid in a bush, after jumping from rock to rock like a crazy person, and my brother ran back to try and save everyone else. But when he got back, these alien dudes in biohazard suits (they still looked like people, but they were aliens) came out with giant net guns that shot giant stretchy sticky tarps, and so it hit Ethan and he was wrapped up in a cocoon, and then it was filled with bees and he was dead. I then hid very quietly in this dirt hole behind a rock and beneath some bushes while two alien-biohazard-suited dudes walked by. Then two japanese guys came up with guns, but they were human so I got their attention.

After this, it's pretty much just fragments until the next good part. I remember essentially an espionage movie scene, where I'm going through hallways and then a part where I try to hide on the roof like River Tam in Serenity (i.e. splits against the wall and holding up body weight with the ceiling sprinkler). The japanese guys have like some serious firepower and they help me hide and take me to their base.

At the base, there was this really really huge massively tough old black lady who looked like she could kill a man by sitting on him or by looking at him and she was trying to help us. Then I remember that her daughters came out, and (this part is vivid) one of them looked like the girl who rung me up yesterday for my muffin at cornerstone, basically choppy layered hair, blonde with dark red underneath, pale white skin, and a nose ring. The other girl had lightish, dirty blonde hair, dark olive skin (I remember thinking this specific skin colorization word), and strong green eyes (very strong, you could see them from across the room). Then I crossed the room, for some reason, and the big black lady told me I needed to, for the sake of the world, make out with her daughter. So the next like 20 minutes of my dream was making out with the gorgeous olive skinned girl.

Best dream ever. :)

Performance

How did I manage to get sick on the day of my performance? I think I might have to do this project in a single day, rather than all weekend.

Also, it is very, very cold outside.

Buddhism

Beginning tomorrow, I will be buddhist. This is part of a performance art piece.

The piece is called the ritual project, and I was assigned to find a ritual thing that I do every day, and change it in a variety of ways. However, when I reflected on what ritual I would change, I realized that I have almost no rituals in the first place. The only thing that is consistent with me is my constant thinking from a Christian perspective, because that's the way I was raised. Therefore, in a combination attempt, I am changing two rituals: 1. Not having any regular rituals, and 2. Thinking from a Christian perspective. I'm doing this by living as closely as I am able to the live of a Theravedan Buddhist Monk for three to five days.

Some of the drastic changes that will occur are as follows:

- I will be wearing orange robes only (with shorts underneath, but no shirt unless it is bright orange)

- I will be wearing only sandals or going barefoot.

- I will shave my head

- I will speak softly when at all

- I will meditate 1-6 hours a day

- I will eat only breakfast and lunch

- I will only sleep on the floor

- I will not be watching tv, playing video games, watching movies, listening to music, singing, or using facebook.

- I will make little or no eye contact, and look down at all times

- I will make no physical contact with other people

- I will not entertain any lustful thoughts of any kind

- I will not lie, steal, kill, or participate in sexual misconduct

- I will follow to the best of my abilities the 277 precepts that are doable in my situation

This is going to be a very, very interesting weekend.

Anti-Intellectualism in the American Evangelical Christian Church

Whew, just finished a paper on what that title says. Assuming it gets a final editing, isn't illegal in any way, and doesn't get a "rewrite this piece of crap" from the prof, I'll post it up. It's pretty dense, but it had to be short, so almost every sentence was painstakingly selected and edited.

Meh

To claim to know another's heart is false;

Exclusively, I cannot know your thought.

I only can lay claim to motives shown

to public eyes. But drawn within my heart,

scenarios so twisted and obscene

They choke my stomach, rape with icy claw,

And living for tomorrow is a dream

For those with guts enough to forget now.

Can I be blamed for all the bloodied words

That course across and scald my wretched tongue?

Of course, and reap my consequences full:

I take upon responsibility.

So judge me not! I know my sin full well

And flame's forgiving grasp familiar now.

Instead of questioning my guiltiness

Ask about the murder's circumstance.

Ask about my character, and then

Conclude if I'd commit this heinous crime

Without the most illogical of woe

And sorrow with unprecedented depth.

My mother says that guilt is twinned to grief

unmourned, which dominates better judgement.

So hear me now: I grieve you, guilt and fear!

Anger, bitterness towards friends of late.

I can't release you, or move on without

A care, because caring is all I knew

for you. And now I'll try to be mature,

But all of us know how that ends, we do.

I still don't think it's fair

And I don't think it was right.

I still am deeply hurt,

I think, more than you know

I feel so much betrayed

And cheated of my trust

Even if accidental

It wounds me just the same.

But now I will

Apologize

Because you were

My friend, and I

still value all

the things I know

Because of what

You chose to show.

And thus, I mourn the death of one chapter of life, and celebrate the entry into a new one.

The Relationship Recovery Parabola (RRP)

The relationship recovery parabola. Well, it's not really a parabola, I think it's more of a horizontal nonnegative hyperbola. But whatever, RRP is the name that stuck. It's been in my head for a while. The initial graph is y=.001(x-3)^2+3 and this results in some interesting findings.

The idea behind the RRP is to give a starting basis towards having healthy relationships. Yes. I am being left brained. I am defining relationships through mathematical equations. Do you know why? Well I'm gonna tell you anyways.

The theory is in relationship recovery. How much time does it take for a person following a break up to become thoroughly "whole" enough to initiate a new, healthy relationship? It varies, of course. If I am in a relationship for a month, I will need less time to recover than a person from, say, a two year relationship. A person who has a week relationship more often than not needs longer than double their relationship time to be prepared for a new one, while a person coming out of a six year relationship cannot realistically be expected to wait even half of that time. Therefore a sliding rule; a curve that gives a general direction for the person. For the future. But why does this even matter?

Forewarning: This is going to get fragmented here. I am not thinking linearly right now. Otherwise I would have the whole equation and an explanation to follow it and show why something so formulaic is necces

There is a certain amount of respect I feel I have earned. It's no wonder the traditional American man is socialized not to show his feelings or trust. I in offering my honest and unprotected underside in relationship have taken a stance against the social gender role, and in return have been paid in full with disrespect and a lead weight in my stomach. I mean, come on. A whole year, worth less than two months of grief? Not even the parabola agrees with that.

So what it comes down to is, have I been a fool? Have I been fooled by the person I loved like I was fooled by the church I loved? The church told me love the sinner and hate the sin, and that alternative christian rock is holy and marijuana is from satan and that John Lennon in church is worth censorship and this girl told me I love you for a year and forgot in 24% of that time to go on a date with one of my very best friends.

I am over reacting. She has no responsibility to me. We aren't dating. I told my friend a while back, if we ever break up, go for it! I also remember asking him to give me recovery time.

These things don't just happen. They are planned.

Like when my guy friends all stopped talking to me after chels and I stopped dating. Because they want a chance with her. And if they hang out with me, and see that I am still healing, then they'll feel bad about it. No, if they do it this way they can just

FUCKING FORGET THAT THEY KNEW THE PERSON BEFORE mother fucker asshole how dare you use me to a means where is the bigger betrayal here you judas the girl or you?

Thank you for understanding. I have no right to complain. I desire the best for my friends. The best is that they not have me around. It makes me sick to my stomach. The heart was never in the chest, it's always been in the stomach. That's why heartache hurts so much, at least a pain in the chest is sharp. Emo shit fivethousand, the heartstomach, stop reading and stop listening.

It's true though. These things AREN'T coincidental, they are most definitely planned. My friend didn't come here to warn me, ask my permission, or come to a conclusion. MOTHER FUCKER. You came here to make your intentions known, to pass off the guilt that you feel because you KNOW you something isn't right about this.

Christ, all I want to do is watch you two hurt, which is so ass backwards because I KNOW I love you both, and hurt is the last thing I really want. But the idea of you in anguish, not physical pain but emotional turmoil, is the only thing I can find that relieves the knot in my stomach that makes me starve. Fuck, maybe this is divine intervetion: the god diet.

Tangled webs. I don't think he's good for you, but that's not my feckin' job anymore. I don't think abandoning your friends is a good way to start off your relationship, but whatever, I've never been one to tell you how to live your life, since you wouldn't listen anyways. Oh, and for the record, you bounce between women faster than I did in elementary school. Ask chris. That's like calling you a slut, except worse. So who the fuck can tell if this one is real, goddamit? And WORTH the loss of me?

You can't seriously think that I would be ok with this, right? I mean, if you did then you should get a fucking award for rationalization because holy shit that breaks some world record.

Look, before you, the reader, judge me, let me make this perfectly clear.

I do not want her back.

I am aware that our relationship has run it's course.

I understand that we are two people who at this point in our lives, and presumably any other time, will not function well.

I agree that permanent non-romance is the best course of action.

I do NOT want to keep you from everyone else.

I just want

To know that the

Time I spent was worth as much to me as it was to you. Does that make sense? It should. Because the the time gap between when we break up and when you hook up with my best friend is usually a good indicator of how much I was worth to you. Two months couldn't buy a dime bag for a crack whore.

The basic formula, the premise that I have now, says wait 9 months. That's fine. 6 months, is SOMETHING. I am such trash, the left overs of your power-play, and my gender role WARNED me, didn't it? The garbage of your love, isn't that something?

My judge of character is in question! Isn't it? My intuition screams you are honest, you are self aware, you strive to be better, and to evolve in your beliefs and relationships. HOLY MOTHER FUCKIN SHIT ASS BITCH CUNT how could I miss something? Out of character...so confusing.

It's like a great omnipotent joke, that I could be so simultaneously upset and understanding. Because I knew, and I know, this is not what I want, but that doesn't matter. My self reflection reveals nothing but hypocrisy, and yet I burn with a righteous anger that CRAVES the PAIN of those that dare to question in whom I place my trust.

Look, I'm sorry ok? About a third of me is. Sorry, that is. That third will grow into everything with time, when I have healed properly and can look at you holding hands with another person and not hear my pulse. But remember, healing takes time. And you have stolen that from me, just like the respect I thought I earned through my responsibility and faithfulness.

I can only measure you by the same stick by which I measure myself. That measure sized me up and deemed me unfit for the benefit of other people following our relationship. It said, his wounds are too fresh, and his heart is too misguided, dare not place these burdens on another. I examined myself and found myself unwilling to diminish the time I invested in you chelsea by deflecting to another girl. What are you worth? What am I worth? I'll define my own worth, but I want to know that my definition isn't the padlock in a world of electromagnetic car beepers.

My resistance is to believe that my time was not wasted, no, and could not be because I glean something out of nothing because nothing is the lack of something and the very REASON there is a lack of something is something in of itself.

But after all my loving you, could you possibly be more unkind.

My stomach hurts, and I can hear my pulse.