The idea behind the RRP is to give a starting basis towards having healthy relationships. Yes. I am being left brained. I am defining relationships through mathematical equations. Do you know why? Well I'm gonna tell you anyways.
The theory is in relationship recovery. How much time does it take for a person following a break up to become thoroughly "whole" enough to initiate a new, healthy relationship? It varies, of course. If I am in a relationship for a month, I will need less time to recover than a person from, say, a two year relationship. A person who has a week relationship more often than not needs longer than double their relationship time to be prepared for a new one, while a person coming out of a six year relationship cannot realistically be expected to wait even half of that time. Therefore a sliding rule; a curve that gives a general direction for the person. For the future. But why does this even matter?
Forewarning: This is going to get fragmented here. I am not thinking linearly right now. Otherwise I would have the whole equation and an explanation to follow it and show why something so formulaic is necces
There is a certain amount of respect I feel I have earned. It's no wonder the traditional American man is socialized not to show his feelings or trust. I in offering my honest and unprotected underside in relationship have taken a stance against the social gender role, and in return have been paid in full with disrespect and a lead weight in my stomach. I mean, come on. A whole year, worth less than two months of grief? Not even the parabola agrees with that.
So what it comes down to is, have I been a fool? Have I been fooled by the person I loved like I was fooled by the church I loved? The church told me love the sinner and hate the sin, and that alternative christian rock is holy and marijuana is from satan and that John Lennon in church is worth censorship and this girl told me I love you for a year and forgot in 24% of that time to go on a date with one of my very best friends.
I am over reacting. She has no responsibility to me. We aren't dating. I told my friend a while back, if we ever break up, go for it! I also remember asking him to give me recovery time.
These things don't just happen. They are planned.
Like when my guy friends all stopped talking to me after chels and I stopped dating. Because they want a chance with her. And if they hang out with me, and see that I am still healing, then they'll feel bad about it. No, if they do it this way they can just
FUCKING FORGET THAT THEY KNEW THE PERSON BEFORE mother fucker asshole how dare you use me to a means where is the bigger betrayal here you judas the girl or you?
Thank you for understanding. I have no right to complain. I desire the best for my friends. The best is that they not have me around. It makes me sick to my stomach. The heart was never in the chest, it's always been in the stomach. That's why heartache hurts so much, at least a pain in the chest is sharp. Emo shit fivethousand, the heartstomach, stop reading and stop listening.
It's true though. These things AREN'T coincidental, they are most definitely planned. My friend didn't come here to warn me, ask my permission, or come to a conclusion. MOTHER FUCKER. You came here to make your intentions known, to pass off the guilt that you feel because you KNOW you something isn't right about this.
Christ, all I want to do is watch you two hurt, which is so ass backwards because I KNOW I love you both, and hurt is the last thing I really want. But the idea of you in anguish, not physical pain but emotional turmoil, is the only thing I can find that relieves the knot in my stomach that makes me starve. Fuck, maybe this is divine intervetion: the god diet.
Tangled webs. I don't think he's good for you, but that's not my feckin' job anymore. I don't think abandoning your friends is a good way to start off your relationship, but whatever, I've never been one to tell you how to live your life, since you wouldn't listen anyways. Oh, and for the record, you bounce between women faster than I did in elementary school. Ask chris. That's like calling you a slut, except worse. So who the fuck can tell if this one is real, goddamit? And WORTH the loss of me?
You can't seriously think that I would be ok with this, right? I mean, if you did then you should get a fucking award for rationalization because holy shit that breaks some world record.
Look, before you, the reader, judge me, let me make this perfectly clear.
I do not want her back.
I am aware that our relationship has run it's course.
I understand that we are two people who at this point in our lives, and presumably any other time, will not function well.
I agree that permanent non-romance is the best course of action.
I do NOT want to keep you from everyone else.
I just want
To know that the
Time I spent was worth as much to me as it was to you. Does that make sense? It should. Because the the time gap between when we break up and when you hook up with my best friend is usually a good indicator of how much I was worth to you. Two months couldn't buy a dime bag for a crack whore.
The basic formula, the premise that I have now, says wait 9 months. That's fine. 6 months, is SOMETHING. I am such trash, the left overs of your power-play, and my gender role WARNED me, didn't it? The garbage of your love, isn't that something?
My judge of character is in question! Isn't it? My intuition screams you are honest, you are self aware, you strive to be better, and to evolve in your beliefs and relationships. HOLY MOTHER FUCKIN SHIT ASS BITCH CUNT how could I miss something? Out of character...so confusing.
It's like a great omnipotent joke, that I could be so simultaneously upset and understanding. Because I knew, and I know, this is not what I want, but that doesn't matter. My self reflection reveals nothing but hypocrisy, and yet I burn with a righteous anger that CRAVES the PAIN of those that dare to question in whom I place my trust.
Look, I'm sorry ok? About a third of me is. Sorry, that is. That third will grow into everything with time, when I have healed properly and can look at you holding hands with another person and not hear my pulse. But remember, healing takes time. And you have stolen that from me, just like the respect I thought I earned through my responsibility and faithfulness.
I can only measure you by the same stick by which I measure myself. That measure sized me up and deemed me unfit for the benefit of other people following our relationship. It said, his wounds are too fresh, and his heart is too misguided, dare not place these burdens on another. I examined myself and found myself unwilling to diminish the time I invested in you chelsea by deflecting to another girl. What are you worth? What am I worth? I'll define my own worth, but I want to know that my definition isn't the padlock in a world of electromagnetic car beepers.
My resistance is to believe that my time was not wasted, no, and could not be because I glean something out of nothing because nothing is the lack of something and the very REASON there is a lack of something is something in of itself.
But after all my loving you, could you possibly be more unkind.
My stomach hurts, and I can hear my pulse.
No comments:
Post a Comment