Ashton

I love you, but there's only so much I can put up with, jen. You keep being such a fucking dumbass, you're gonna drive away the only people who don't abuse you. "Having a good time" is not a good reason for substance abuse, the "good times" with the bitch tim are NOT enough to outweigh the shit times, and, unfortunately, the only person who has any ability to change your situation is you. So I need you to stop waiting for situations to change, and change them yourself. You have the power to walk away from tim, and be done with that shitface, and work towards being happy again. So do it. I'm tired of listening to you bitch and then do nothing.

Ramble

I really wish I didn't idolize the Byronic hero. I'm tired of holding myself to the standard of the typical "lone ranger," who gains his respect through the violence he inflicts upon the explicit antagonist and himself, denying all his needs for the "safety" of others (e.g. it's too danger to love me, I'll just walk into the sunset).

I don't function on this level. I'm not a lone person, and I get miserable when I am. But, unfortunately, whether it be Lord Byron or Clint Eastwood to blame, the tough guy, independent, lone anti-hero is my ultimate model. It kind of sucks ass when nothing you ever do can come close to your ideal.

This is just one notch in the belt of self dissatisfaction. Most of my time is spent looking at myself and wondering who I would be if I was alone. Did you know that every single girl I've dated has had a serious impact on my behavior, even past the point of when we broke up? For example, little catchphrases: I find myself speaking like (and to a much larger extreme, typing like) the girls I date. When I dated chelsea, I picked up little things like "^_^" and "lick," etc etc. And so these things continue to pile up, and I become the compilation of the people I know. It's pretty fuckin' shitty. I love(d) each of these people in unique and special ways, but I wish my identity outside of them was more concrete.

• I wish I were cleaner
• I wish I had a better work ethic
• I wish I didn't need to here that I am cared about constantly
• I wish I wouldn't get upset when esther doesn't have anything to say or doesn't talk to me for an extended period of time
• I wish I knew the line between things I should try to identify and address in myself, and things that I should stick by as unchangeable parts of my personality.
  
• I wish I didn't feel ignored by esther even when she's not ignoring me
• I wish I wasn't so tired all of the time
• I wish I had higher self esteem
• I wish I weighed less, didn't have skin issues, didn't have dandruff, and felt attractive to other people
• I wish I knew how to fix and/or address these things
• I wish I wasn't sad and upset tonight

Ugh (there's a phrase I picked up from esther)...what is going on with me? I feel like its so unfair to need validation from esther, but I feel so invalid that I don't know where else to get it from.

I just need to go to bed. I feel terrible. What the heck! By three months of dating, my emotions are supposed to even out and be reasonable and predictable. Instead, we're at four months of dating today and I can't sort out my own fucking worth.

~wes~

Contentment

I have a job. I work 40 hours a week, doing relatively important things, and so far, I'm pretty good at it. I enjoy it, and I hope for more responsibility. I have bills to pay, which is overwhelming, but my paychecks are big, and I am being relatively proactive. I see esther regularly, at least once a week and every saturday, and it sucks that I have to drive a lot (it REALLY sucks), but it's totally worth it. I go to church with her to meet and try to fit in with the korean friends and family she has, and it's been so much less awkward the more I'm around, I can't believe it. Her little sister seems to really like me (cause I play with her and bought her chalk), and her friend Rebecca gave me the seal of approval. I got to keep her till 11 pm instead of 10 when we went to the beach, and I made soap with her. My days of the week are spent getting up at 6:30 am, going to work, working all day, and then either driving to Hacienda or coming straight home. I'm in bed by 10, asleep usually by 11 or 11:15, and it's pretty good.

But.

But.

I am a roller coaster.

Something in me is fucking CRAZY. My days are structured and easy to anticipate, and my body is becoming regulated. I am even eating healthier. But every damn, fucking day, I'll go from perfectly fine to an emotional wreck to perfectly fine again dozens of time throughout the day. It's not like people do anything to upset me, but little things just send me over the edge really easily. A lot of it is with esther stuff, and I dunno why; it's like my imagination gets the best of me and for some reason, ridiculous scenarios enter my mind. I guess I'm afraid of repeating past relationships this time, and reexperiencing the same type of heartbreak misery. It's not even anything she does. It's more like my brain makes up reasons to be upset. And then a single kind word and shizam, I'm totally fine, even ecstatic. I'm concerned, no, I know that this means that my happiness is partially dependent on her, and that's not fair for either of us. It's just a bitch to change.

It's not just esther stuff though. When Greg came into the office last week and made some comment about "no matter how you look at it, illegal means you should either be in prison or deported," I got SO friggin mad, and then his comment later about how "anal is really unhealthy and bad for you, and only perverts do it anyways" nearly sent me over the edge. Whenever someone mentioned APU, I'm just ticked at the place in general, and the same with the church and religion. It just doesn't take much to make me go crazy recently.

What am I mad at? I can't figure that out - whatever it is, it's feeding my distaste of certain types of people. What am I insecure about? Whatever it is, it's feeding my fear of independence in my relationship with esther. Things just don't keep to themselves; they bleed into every aspect of my behavior and feelings. Nothing is clear cut, and I don't know how to address it.

I hope writing will help, but I don't know that it will. In the morning, I'll feel better, but tomorrow, I'll probably have a thousand mood swings. Maybe I need medication? Maybe I need to just suck it up? Bleh. I wish people would ask me about it. Honestly, I wish people would ask me if I am alright. It would make me feel cared about. Yeah, I'm ok. I'll be fine tomorrow, or fine later. But lots of times, no, I'm not fine now, and I don't know how to go about fixing it. Just acknowledging it makes a difference though.

It's just ridiculous, man. I feel pretty great right now. Just hungry. When I started writing this blog, I felt terrible. It happens so friggin much, it's crazy. Don't worry, I'm sure I'll feel shitty again in a second. All it takes is thinking about school bills, or not having money, or those saturdays with esther when I try and get shot down (that's the WORST), and there I am, back to the pits.

I'm so discontent.

Every time I'm working I wish I were relaxing.

When I'm relaxed, I wish I had something to do.

When I'm doing something, I wish I was with esther.

When I'm with esther, I wish I had things to say.

It's a terrible circle. Where's my fulfillment? Didn't our parents tell us to get a job and make money to be happy? Did the media tell us to fall in love, that it would make us happy? I still feel missing.

I'm so tired of waiting around for other things to come and give me fulfillment. I want to pursue something, and make myself feel happier. Esther wont make me happy forever. Neither will money or a good job. They can contribute, but they can't MAKE me happy, especially if I wait around for them to come to me.

Ok done now. Maybe I'll tally mood swings tomorrow. XD

~wes~