Ramble

I really wish I didn't idolize the Byronic hero. I'm tired of holding myself to the standard of the typical "lone ranger," who gains his respect through the violence he inflicts upon the explicit antagonist and himself, denying all his needs for the "safety" of others (e.g. it's too danger to love me, I'll just walk into the sunset).

I don't function on this level. I'm not a lone person, and I get miserable when I am. But, unfortunately, whether it be Lord Byron or Clint Eastwood to blame, the tough guy, independent, lone anti-hero is my ultimate model. It kind of sucks ass when nothing you ever do can come close to your ideal.

This is just one notch in the belt of self dissatisfaction. Most of my time is spent looking at myself and wondering who I would be if I was alone. Did you know that every single girl I've dated has had a serious impact on my behavior, even past the point of when we broke up? For example, little catchphrases: I find myself speaking like (and to a much larger extreme, typing like) the girls I date. When I dated chelsea, I picked up little things like "^_^" and "lick," etc etc. And so these things continue to pile up, and I become the compilation of the people I know. It's pretty fuckin' shitty. I love(d) each of these people in unique and special ways, but I wish my identity outside of them was more concrete.

• I wish I were cleaner
• I wish I had a better work ethic
• I wish I didn't need to here that I am cared about constantly
• I wish I wouldn't get upset when esther doesn't have anything to say or doesn't talk to me for an extended period of time
• I wish I knew the line between things I should try to identify and address in myself, and things that I should stick by as unchangeable parts of my personality.
  
• I wish I didn't feel ignored by esther even when she's not ignoring me
• I wish I wasn't so tired all of the time
• I wish I had higher self esteem
• I wish I weighed less, didn't have skin issues, didn't have dandruff, and felt attractive to other people
• I wish I knew how to fix and/or address these things
• I wish I wasn't sad and upset tonight

Ugh (there's a phrase I picked up from esther)...what is going on with me? I feel like its so unfair to need validation from esther, but I feel so invalid that I don't know where else to get it from.

I just need to go to bed. I feel terrible. What the heck! By three months of dating, my emotions are supposed to even out and be reasonable and predictable. Instead, we're at four months of dating today and I can't sort out my own fucking worth.

~wes~