Here's something interesting. Humble = adjective. Make that a noun. Humility. Adverb? Humbly. Verb (present progressive, please)? <--the tricky one. Humbling? Or humiliating? If we go with the latter, make that a noun again. Humiliation. What the fuck?

People have been telling me my whole life that the lexical similarity between these two is a coincidence. I guess I'll find out for real in History of the English Language. But the more I am humbled, the more I wonder if they are truly separable. When I become truly humbled, it involves relinquishing the notion that I was right. And, it involves recognition that I may have believed wrongly. I don't know that an instance like that can occur without some sense of humiliation.

At the same time, true humility might mean the opposite; superseding the humiliation. I think maybe that a person truly humbled is so awestruck by a glimpse at truth previously hidden (the "real," if you will) that the notion of being right is entirely disassociated. In that sense, I don't experience a lot of humility.

There is a sense of joy in learning that I am wrong. When I learn that I am wrong, it means that I am molting; in a sense, shedding a form of myself that didn't know before. Peeling back layers of ignorance like wrapping paper. I believed wrong. But I believe right now.

However, there is a large part of me that wonders, if I was thinking wrong before, what am I wrong about now? I can't help but be both humbled and humiliated when I think of myself even three years ago. I know I acted to the best of my ability given the knowledge I had. But seriously.

What am I missing now? What part of my story is just outside of my peripheral vision? Or, what part of my story lingers in my peripheral vision, casting shadows, but dancing elusively enough for me to deny its existence?

I believe a lot of things, but am I ready and willing to abandon them for the tools of tomorrow? Rusty and broken tools are comforting and consistent, but they are flawed. It's a hard thing to be willing to abandon everything tomorrow. It requires the true, honest recognition that...holy shit...I don't know a FUCKING thing. After all, what person abandons the truth every day?

It's a bit ironic that I want to be the person that abandons truth every day. Or, not abandon truth, but abandons yesterday in pursuit of today's truth. If we're searching for god, well, a human consciousness could never begin to understand more than a miniscule, obscured reflection of god. What makes people think that the bit of god they see today is any more true than the bit their neighbor sees? Any god that can be understood is one not worth knowing.




Once, when I was attending LBF college group, I was told, or at least given the strong impression, that there was a conflicting message within philosophy and christianity. Philosophy teaches that all doubt is good and leads to great things. Christianity (then) taught me that doubt is necessary to christianity as long as it's interpreted within the confines of faith. When you doubt god's plan, have faith. When you doubt god's voice, have faith. etc etc.

I say: if you stop believing, then stop believing. Fuck god. If god wants you, (s)he'll come get you. But if you try your best and you don't hear god, then stop bullshitting yourself. That's what I have to do. It sickened me to live a lie, either way. It might be the most important thing that has happened to me. I rejected god. I rejected everything about religion. And years later, god shows up, uninvited. It's not a testimony. It's a chronicle of my rejection, and my honest belief that nothing in the whole world could have made me abandon yesterday's tools. It doesn't matter that today's tools look like the ones I started with. Nothing is the same.



And so, today, I'm humiliated, er, humbled by the recognition that I wasn't that far off to begin with, maybe. Or maybe I'm totally and entirely different now. Either way, I still don't know a fucking thing. I'm gradually becoming more and more grateful for that.



Oh, and just throwing this out there: I think Thomas gets a bad wrap of things in the bible. I thought that years ago, and I still think that. If there is anybody that I resemble from the bible, it's him. And I could never be more proud.