I am angry

Some people, man....some people make me so freaking upset. Those of you who know me: am I an easy person to upset? I honestly don't think so, but I'm wrong a lot. Why are you trying to make me angry, world?!

~wes~

Yuhjachingo

Tonight (today?) I asked Esther to be my girlfriend, and she said yes. I am very, very glad. I find myself liking her an awful lot. I hope this goes in a good direction; I think it will. She is a walking paradox, and it's so nice to see those things coexist.

~wes~

Another Odd Dream

Yet another odd dream...

I dreamt I was dropping somebody I knew off at practice at this musical, and while I was sitting in the audience, the director asked me if I wanted to go be in it for the night, so I jumped in and danced around and wore funny costumes and laughed a lot because I had no idea what I was doing. Then I was coming home from the practice, and I went to the gas station where there were three people at the same pump including my with my dad's car, and this girl was filling cardboard boxes with gasoline for her hillbilly parents. Then I parked the car and started running up this really steep street, and I ran by the Rana's house where Whitney was growing these ridiculous fields of Corn in their front and back and side yards. I asked her if she needed help, and she said yes, so I helped her move some heavy stuff to the back where she was setting up a new Corn field, and then she tried to seduce me in the Corn. However, she tried to bite me or something and bit me where I had cut myself shaving so I got pissed off and left. Then as soon as I got back to the Mod to go to sleep, Ally Dukes, Audrey Dukes, Laura Keagy, and Whitney were all there telling me I needed to leave to get ready for the opening night of the musical. I was ticked because I thought I had just been messing around, but apparently there were like ten songs I needed to have memorized and I was expected to be in the musical. So after like 20 minutes of convincing, they finally got me to go.

Oh yeah, and one of my costumes in the musical was a dark sea green bikini bottom.

Like I said, don't ask me why.

~wes~

So this New Genre Art class is getting me to do all sorts of weird stuff. Today's assignment: come to class dressed in a manner that represents the bible character with which you feel the most kinship with. My character choice? Ruth.

Here's what I've got on:

- T Shirt from the Fragments regiment show, turned inside out with the lower half cut into strips

~ I have the short sleeves cut off and replaced by short sleeves from a different shirt, safety pinned on.

~ I am wearing a skin-toned undershirt

~ There is a cross-shaped cut in the shirt, re-stitched in red thread

~ There is the number 5 safety pinned on the back of the shirt

- Cargo Pants, with the legs up to the knees cut into strips

~ The pants have been modified to be a cargo skirt/kilt thing

- Flip Flop Sandles

What it means:

- Ruth was very loyal to her mother-in-law after Ruth's husband died, even though technically, Ruth owed no more loyalty once her husband was gone. She showed familial loyalty out of love; therefore, I have the 5 on my back, like a team jersey, and Honor Thy Father and Mother is the fifth commandment

- Ruth (as mentioned before) lost her husband after 10 (?) years of marriage. Therefore, I have a stitched hole over my heart, representing the loss of a spouse.

- Ruth was very proud; despite being a widow and living with her mother in law, another widow, she never begged, but worked for her food. It was this that got Boaz's attention. Therefore, even though my sewing skills are minimal, I made this outfit, and it serves it's purpose. Not as well as if I'd had help, but I did it by myself, and I'm proud of it.

There's also the sleeves...I haven't figured out why quite yet. That's ok though.

~wes~

SLO

I've had a great time up here this weekend...but why is it that it seemed like Chris decided to ignore holly until I need to leave? I have work tonight, and massive amounts of studying to do, but instead I'm sitting around killing time here. *headbash* Those of you who I've spoken with understand the extension of this frustration.

Honestly, the trip has been freaking awesome aside from interpersonal dynamics, and even those have been a minimal problem. This place is so beautiful...

Words of the Night

Retrospect.

Curiosity.

Denial.

Frustration.

Angst.

Misdirection.

It's like the feeling you get when you are doing a really hard roof-ish climb, and you get to a point where you think you can do the move, but you're not sure, and you try for it, but then freak out and lock up and then you suddenly realize this rope will not hold you, your belayer does not know what they are doing, your harness cannot protect you, and as soon as you let go, you are going to fall to the ground and die. Then your stomach tightens (this is the most key part), and you forget everything you've ever learned on the wall, and you cannot, you CANNOT, move, you just sit and wait to fall, and wait to die.

It's the feeling you get when you are blindfolded or in perfect dark, and think you've passed the last stair, and start to fall: your core tenses (this is the most key part), and you trip and think, for just a second, I am going to die.

Anticipation.

So there.

~wes~

A dream

I just had an odd, strangely powerful dream about my great grandmother who passed about 4 years ago. I didn't know her that well, and I still don't know hardly anything about her. In my dream, we were all at my grandmas house (which looked completely different?) and we were sitting around awkwardly. My great grandma came over with two friends and brought lots of brownies for everyone, and then we went as a group to a different house of someone in the family's. While we were there, I was sitting next to my great grandma, and I asked her where the house came from and how it ended up that she owned it. She said to me, "Well that's a long story, and it has to do with my six year affaire. Yes, boy, I had a six year affaire, and you would have too if you were me," but I looked at her and said, "no grandma, I'm not casting any judgment here. Will you tell me the whole story?" She told me it would take longer than we had time for right then, so I asked if we could have lunch sometime. Right as we were about to set a date, a little girl, probably about 5 or 6 in a very pink fuzzy little diva's jacket comes up and says "hi Mr wes," gives me a super short and super awkward half hug, and then starts to walk away quickly back to her mother who is staring at her expectantly from the other side of the room. I look at her and say, "Oh julia, it's ok sweetheart, I know family gatherings are so awkward for everyone, especially when we don't know each other!" Then another relative yells out to her daughter "Maggie! Julia just showed you up!" and so Maggie comes running from around the corner in HER pink fuzzy sweater, gives me a huge hug and says "Hi uncle wesley!" Right there I look at her and say, "Maggie, could you sit on my lap and pretend that you like me for just a minute? Because I've never been anyone's uncle before" and she does, and I start crying because I've never felt anything like it before. And I look at my great grandmother who I'm going to have lunch with and Julia who doesn't like me, and Maggie who does, and all the blurry faces of my uncles and aunts and cousins and relatives that I don't know, and I wonder who they are and why they are here and why I never noticed before.

Hm...I haven't woken up crying in a very, very long time.

In the evening

Kettering - The Antlers

I wish I had known

That first minute we met

The unpayable debt

That I owed you

Daedalus - Thrice

Son, please keep a steady wing

And know you're the only one who means anything to me

Steer clear of the sun, or you'll find yourself in the sea

Oh gods, why is this happening to me?!

All I wanted was a new life for my son to grow up free

Now you've taken the only thing that meant anything to me

I will never fly again, I will hang up my wings

Untitled 8 (Popplagið)

(Instrumental)

Black Sandy Beaches - The Dear Hunter

Oh how she cries from vicarious pain

From the one he writes about

She must have been so sad

For him to throw her out

Let's just say she has never been happier than she is now

Let's just say she has never been better off than she is now

Degausser - Brand New

You're brought back but you're running

I'll find sleep in the end tonight

I can't shake this little feeling

I'll never get anything right

Blindsided - Bon Iver

I cup the window

I'm crippled and slow

For the agony

I'd rather know

'Cause blinded, I am blindsided

Would you really rush out for me now?

Don't Miss You At All - Norah Jones

So if you never come to me
You'll stay a distant memory
Out my window I see lights going dark
Your dark eyes don't haunt me

And then I wonder who I am
Without the warm touch of your hand

True Colors - Boris Smile

And if my friends really knew the darkness of my heart,

I probably wouldn't have a friend at all

Home (Sing Along) - Boris Smile

Up on the mountains,

Down by the ocean sea

I find the peace of mind that makes me free

When we were driving

Watching the sun come up

They way I feel, it can't be real

I'm laughing inside

I, I, I, I, I, I'm home

There's value to be found in a mind of passion

And one of intellect

But where does the mind lie that lives off of neither of these?

The mind of passion is easily swayed

And the mind of logic loses life

How can a person think?

Regularly I find myself looking at humanity

Completely helplessly

None of these problems are solved easily

It sickens me to stare at everything

And it is hopeless to try and grasp

The big pictures

In fact, it's been haunting me the past few years

The idea that there is no love, joy, hope, or kindness

Outside of the immediate around you.

Take for example, the internet

It's hardly probably that everyone on there

Is a racist, evil, hate filled pedophile

But when in grouped together

In an atmosphere of desperate inconsequence

The sick humanity accumulates and overwhelms

If I look at the world when someone asks

"Socialized health care! Yay or nay?!"

I just don't know

How can I have hope for a world

That as long as it has existed

Been laced with laced with wickedness?

How can I reconcile global wickedness

With the kindness found

Between two people daily?

Thrice says, "I love this City

Enough that I'll set it ablaze"

And they yearn for righteousness

Blake said, "Prisons are build with stones of Law,

Brothels with bricks of Religion"

And he diagnoses honestly

But a city was once a town

A town was once a village

And a village was once a family

And Religion was once a compromise

Between understanding why things are

And loving your neighbor

Why is Big so hopelessly broken?

And Small so unfairly hopeful?

Aren't these the same people?

It's not so much of a stretch though

To say that every city in the world

Needs to burn to the ground

Or to say that every Brothel

Partially owes it's existence to the Church

Isn't that sick?

These are the same people

These are the same ideas

Just in larger groups

Why would The Arsonist burn the city?

Why would the Reformationist nail his Theses?

Maybe to kill the beast of church and industry

These are the same faces

But there's so many, it's blurry

And I don't know you (pl.) anymore

The individual will commit

The most heinous of acts

In the name of the group

And eventually, collective humanity

Loses everything that makes it

Human.

So don't ask me to answer these questions

I am overwhelmed by collective inhumanity

And overwhelmed by individual humanity