Father

"Son, please keep a steady wing, and know you're the only one who means anything to me." Thrice, "Daedalus"

How could god be anything less than that? I hear a lot of people screaming "unconditional love," but not a lot of people believing it. So don't say it unless you mean it. Unconditional means without condition. The only requirement is to accept it. So stop giving me rules and conditions, you Pharisees.

What is Christian

Apparently this word has a terribly vague meaning to it.

When asked the question, most would answer "To be a Christian is to believe god sent jesus, he paid it all, and you are forgiven if you believe and accept it."

I don't think I really have a problem with this.

However, what most mean by this, I think, is that this acceptance is followed by the immediate acceptance of all church rules, regulations, and TRADITIONS that ordinarily accompany a standard, western evangelical "Christian." That means that if one does not accept these rules and regulations, the aforementioned christianity is nullified.

Specifically, the one that gets on my nerves is the gays, but it's not limited to that. It includes the premarital sex-ers, the avid alcohol enthusiasts, the metalheads, the pot smokers, the cussers, the porn viewers, whatever. Is drinking alcohol before being 21 a sin worthy of the loss of "christian" title?

Rather, I think there is an addiction that far surpasses the pornography market. It's when you leave a bunch of people that have been told that their way is better in a room together for two hours a week and let them talk themselves into a blind frenzy. It's an addiction to being better, holier, and superior, and it's called a church.

In a recent conversation with a friend, the topic of the "theme of the new testament" came up. Now, I had always been taught, or maybe I drew this conclusion myself unconsciously, that the theme of the new testament was jesus. Jesus shows up, sent by Big Daddy himself, and forgives everything ever done, right? Through the ultimate sacrifice, made in love. That seems like a pretty awesome moral to me, whether or not the historical specifics are accurate.

However, apparently, to many, love and forgiveness being the central theme of the NT itself isn't enough; in fact, the legalism traditionally valued in Judaism prior to the incarnation re-manifests itself in christian form, screaming that love and forgiveness is only legitimate if proven by religious assimilation, masked as repentance.

Where is the love that jesus preached and lived? The UNCONDITIONAL love (emphasis on unconditional; that means you love your senior pastor the same way you love the transvestite prostitute), which expects no change, and requires nothing in return.

Everything in many churches is so conditional. I love you IF. Love the sinner, hate the sin? That's the very definition of conditional love, so corrupt at its core that its no longer love for anything but one's ego. When you love someone unconditionally, there is no sin. There is nothing but love for that person, good and bad, and THERE is the face of the god you claim to represent.

Somebody asked me if I was a christian tonight. There was a lot of pressure on the statement; I was being analyzed for acceptance by another as esther's boyfriend. I found myself more speechless than I had been all night, stumbling over the words, beginning by answering "yes" and then saying "well, sort of," amidst a flurry of syllabic nonsense phrases. What am I, then?

If I ask you, mom, you will tell me that I am a christian further along in my spiritual journey than many will get their entire lives.

If I ask you, dad, you'll probably tell me that you don't know, because that's something you've become pretty good at saying, and I admire that.

If I ask you, stephen, you'll say no.

If I ask you, esther, you'll say people who think otherwise AREN'T christians.

If I ask you, apu, you will avoid the question, because you think I am not, but you still want my money and your reputation.

If I ask you, jeff taylor, dan jepson, or similar characters, you will give me the most round-about "no" I've ever heard.

If I ask you, biblical scholar, you will give me a convincing argument either way, which effective convinces me of nothing except that you can convince me of nothing.

If I ask you, lizzy, you will either whoop a resounding yes, or you will question what you believe yourself.

If I ask you, scott okamoto, you will give me a little hope for apu by saying something along the lines of "if you aren't, then I'm not either"

If I ask you, Western Evangelical Christian Church, the majority of you will say no, I am not a christian.

You know what? That's ok with me. Here is what I believe:

There is a god. He made stuff happen; I believe specifically it was through divine orchestration, and therefore have no problems with evolution. People need to chill out on that topic.

I believe the bible is a foundation, not a piece of historical fact. There are plenty of things in there that I don't buy, and contrary to what many might say, I don't think this is the salad bar interpretation of the bible. I don't pick and choose by daily taste. I pick and choose by what makes sense. Rather than abandon my mind, and accept things blindly, I'd much rather doubt the integrity of a section of scripture.

I believe the whole jesus shindig. He came, he died, he undied like a zombie, and in the process forgave the sins of many. There's no proof for this; I base this entirely off of gut instinct. I know that humanity is imperfect, and maybe this is just my desperate attempt to reconcile that. Whatever.

I believe in no holy spirit. The holy spirit always seemed to me like an afterthought; an excuse. The old testament had direct connection and massive miracles from god, the middle area and gospels had jesus in the flesh and his apostles, and we get the invisible spirit.

I don't believe god talks, or interacts, or shows signs, or intervenes. In my experience prayer is entirely one-sided; perhaps I was given the wrong manual on it, but that's not important. I don't pray because nobody hears except me. I think that the "natural law" that governs our reality is one that god at creation put in place, and he chooses to abide by it. Basically, I think things just happen as they happen.

This seems trivial but...I don't believe in worship music. I see the value and power in words, and I don't want to let anything exit my mouth that I feel is misrepresentative of me. I feel like it is a lie to sing in church words that I despise.

I don't believe god is uncaring. I believe that as an omnipotent creator, (s)he knows how things will turn out. God has willed godself out of the equation, and is letting the pieces fall as they may. It reminds me of parents watching their child move out. Perhaps things will be good, perhaps they will be bad, but nonetheless, the parents remain behind as observers.

I think I have a weird view of god. I'm pretty much christian minus the bible and prayer. Of course, that makes me not christian, I guess.

If I had to choose, I'd go with Messianic Deist.

~wes~

Ulysses

From Alfred, Lord Tennyson's Ulysses:

"Though much is taken, much abides; and though

We are not now that strength which in old days

Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are -

One equal temper of heroic hearths,

Make weak by time and fate, but strong in will

To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."

Paradox of Sin?

So here's the irony...

The chapel people instructed us to take communion today, but Jamie said that we should ask for forgiveness for our sins beforehand.

My sin (or at least the most emphatic one that shows up when I'm in any sort of church) is that I am ridiculously bitter towards the church.

The process of forgiveness as the church deems it makes me bitter.

So by becoming of the right mindset to take communion, I become of the wrong mindset again.

Even if this were to not be an issue, the actual group activity of taking communion makes me bitter.

So by the time I grab a loaf of bread, I am once again unclean and unworthy of communion.

The verdict? I think I'd just rather live in my sin. It's a lot less confusing.

I am Awake

I have thought about a variety of things since I work up today, which was at 9:30 am (and it is barely 10:51!). Some of them are as follows.

It would be hilarious, Lizzie, if the APU printers only printed the bible.

A great way to refer to twins without being socially offensive is "homo-uteral."

" 'No hard feelings, man,' Valentine calls out. 'You won the war, remember?'

The motorcycle's engine is so quiet, we can still hear Ganymar's answering whipser. 'Did we?' he asks. 'I don't remember anything that was won. Only what was lost...'

'Nobody can win a war. You can only hope to lose less than your enemy. And sometimes you lose the same thing. That's all' "

I am going to take into to sculpture because casting bronze could possibly be the coolest class I've ever seen.

I don't like when the printers break, and it is really difficult to focus for my Linguistics test at 1:05 when esther is coming to see me after class. REALLY difficult.

I am hungry...again....like always.....I am always hungry.....all the time..........and I just get bigger and bigger.......

Coldplay

"Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to

Fix you"

Lyrics to Coldplay's "Fix You"

Listening to Quincy argue with his girlfriend makes me ask: how much of a relationship is spent fixing?

I am not your father, so I do not want to father you. I am not your therapist, so I do not want to counsel you. I am not your minister, your instructor, or your mentor; I am not your wealth of knowledge, your reference, your expert, your lifeline or your savior. I am not your god, so I will not show you. I am your lover, and I will love you.

I want to be loved as I am, as an object of imperfection. Not tolerated - loved. This is important. I don't want my quirks to be ok. I want them to be necessary. I want my flaws to be desirable. And I want your flaws, your quirks, to be loved, not tolerated.

How can anyone, myself included, expect happiness if a relationship is based on the expectation of another to change? I don't want to fall in love with an ideal, I want to fall in love with YOU. I don't want to sit on the phone and tell you things that you need to do. I don't to perform for you. I don't want to keep a delusion of you and fall in love with that.

The danger with this is that it makes it awfully difficult to give everything to a person. If I am unwilling to settle on loving an ideal, that means I need to be willing to cut off feelings that develop for what appears to be a person, but is an ideal. It's easy to fall in love, at least for me. It's even easier to fall in love with someone when I don't see them, but I see what they and I want to see. Gah, it's SO easy. Then I'm faced with the sudden downfall, the realization of who they really are, not because they were hiding it, but because I didn't want to ruin my ideal. Now I've fallen in love, committed, and I get to rediscover whether it's the person or the idea that I love.

How do you love a person, not an idea? I have all these misconceptions that cloud my view. I have expectations, desires, and holes that I want you to fill, but in the process of seeking the puzzle piece, I often forget the shape. How do I know you? Can I possibly expect to know you? You are always...

I watch my hands as you tell me who you are. I feel my head nod in approval when you say something I love, and I feel my hands twitch when you say something I don't. I feel the impulse to fix creep up in my throat, to disagree, to tell you what you want, to tell you who you are, and who you should be. I feel it and I treasure it because I can feel it, it's right there, can you see it? I want to do it, I want to make you someone else, I want to make you into what I want, but that's not what you are, you are something else entirely and it's beautiful and it's perfect and it's exactly how it should be, not any other way. I restrain myself, and bite back the nausea that drips like a mouthful of ice water down my esophagus when I get afraid that you might be wrong for me, and I adore you more.

I feel dangerous and invasive as I learn who you are at your most personal level and terrified of who it is.

It is terrifying, knowing somebody. To see them not as a piece that can fit your life, but as an entirely different puzzle. I am trying to learn how to stop looking for the piece that fits my hole, and to start admiring the beauty of the other, separate, incomplete puzzle in front of me. I am trying to learn how to view other people in relation to themselves, not to myself.

It is terrifying, knowing somebody. To release all illusion of control over another's behavior is terrifying. To come to the realization of my powerlessness to change her into what my trivial mind deems as better is terrifying. To realize what my trivial mind deems as better is terrifying. To realize that my impulse is to change her is terrifying. To realize I am terrified is exhilarating.

I don't know what it is about it, but seeing someone's soul scares me shitless. I think it scares most people. I see the face of a god I've never known, the face of perfection, not in flawlessness, but in nature. Your downfalls, the things that are so wrong for me, are perfect. Perfect in the sense that they require no change.

So fuck off, Coldplay. I shall fix nobody; I only shall cower in the corner, feeling pressure of my heart in my stomach as I glimpse into the infinite.

~wes~

Humility

Make no mistake, the moment you begin to understand, something, someone, will somehow remind you that you know nothing. Such is the curse of Humility, not of Pride. For Pride is the state of thinking we know, and Humility is the state of knowing that the only thing worth knowing is that nothing is knowable.

Stomach

There's a man inside my stomach, and he kicks me when I'm confronted with something I don't understand. Make it stop, I hate it, it hurts.

Sunny Sunday

I am feeling quite good today! I intend for today to be, if not a productive, than an enjoyable and relaxing day. I get paid tomorrow, so I can put money away for camping over Spring Break and for the Swallow the Sun show in April. I've got a bitchin' new ring with an awesome lyric inscribed on the inside, an awesome Thrice t-shirt on from the show (which just reminds me that I wish I could have gotten the Dear Hunter shirt that day too), and it's time to get food. I've got metal music playing, which, when finished, switches to Stevie Wonder (thank you iTunes shuffle), a squeaky, buzzy green guitar to my left, and vitamin D coming through the window. I've got a berry pie in the fridge, left over spaghtetti, cold Tater Tots, no money (right now), and comfortable jeans and flip flops. How's that for something?

I have no complaints. I slept for 12 hours after a day with esther and I have almost no homework due on monday. I've run my gauntlet; it's time to reap the rewards of days way spent, at least for one afternoon.

A couple lines

From my favorite pieces I've read this semester.

"I am gall, I am heartburn. God's most deep decree

Bitter would have me taste: my taste was me

Bones built in me, flesh filled, blood brimmed the curse"

- "I wake and feel the fell of dark, not day" by Gerard Manley Hopkins

"This is sound reasoning, I grant, in the mouth of the rich and short-sighted"

- "Vindication of the Rights of Men" by Mary Wollstonecraft

"In moody sadness, on the giddy brink,

I see him more with envy than with fear;

He has no nice felicities that shrink

From giant horrors..."

- "On Being Cautioned against Walking on an Headland Overlooking the Sea, Because It Was Frequented by a Lunatic" by Charlotte Smith

"But they are dead; those two are dead!

Their spirits are in heaven!

'Twas throwing words away; for still

The little Maid would have her will,

And said, Naw, we are seven!"

- "We Are Seven" by William Wordsworth (the only Wordsworth poem I liked)

"Water, water, every where

And all the boards did shrink;

Water, water, every where

Not any drop to drink"

- "Rime of the Ancient Mariner" by Samuel Coleridge

"Prisons are build with stones of Law, Brothels with bricks of Religion."

- "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell" by William Blake

"Darkling I listen; and, for many a time

I have been half in love with easeful death,

Call'd him soft names in many a mused rhyme

To take into the air my quiet breath"

- Ode to a Nightingale" by John Keats

Those are a couple excepts so far. My favorite has been William Blake's "Marriage of Heaven and Hell" and Robert Browning's dramatic monologues (Poryphyria's Lover, My Last Duchess, etc) which I didn't quote because really, the poems have to be whole to be as awesome.

Ready...

GO

Despite feeling kind of mopey today, I will make it a good day. Performance art and brit lit. Bring it. And studying for Linguistics. Shit. Bring it.

Haiku

Stop yelling at the

Fauna. It has self-esteem

Issues already.

I work

Kind of funny-ish. I stay up late, like usual, but then decide I'm going to get up early to take care of the classwork that needs to be done. Then I wake up and feel sick because I haven't got enough sleep...so not only do skip chapel, but I skip class. Highly effective? I think not.