Postal Service

"This place is a prison; these people aren't your friends"

This is the song that keeps running through my head tonight. I feel an overwhelming surge of emotion, and don't know what to do with it all, and amidst the cacophony of moods, I find myself back at this same song.

The thing is, this place isn't a prison. At least, this place physically isn't. I don't feel bound by this place, whether this place is my school, my home, my age, or my city. I don't even feel bound by my country. The prison that I feel is much more metaphorical and self-centered; I feel imprisoned by my own emotions. I can go wherever I please, and do just about whatever I want to do, but I carry my emotions, my stress and sadness, intense overwhelming joy and unprocessed anger with me no matter where I go or what I do. If anything, this "place" is my body, and my body is a prison for these feelings. I cannot leave them, and they are trapped with me. I cannot come to terms with them either; I just don't understand them.

The other thing is, these people ARE my friends. But they aren't friends like friends usually mean, or like many expect them to be. When I feel trapped by my own imprisoned emotional intensity, my friends don't fix anything. I don't feel fulfilled by my friends, nor do I feel understood. So these people are my friends, but they don't fix anything. They simply are. I don't really like this feeling, but in a sense, it's good; it comes back to the puzzle piece epiphany I had a while back.

People are incomplete. No surprise there. Every person feels incomplete. But people are SUPPOSED to be incomplete. It's so weird being in a relationship where I'm not trying to shape the other person to fit my missing holes (or trying to be in such a relationships - it's a new, difficult process for me).

So yeah. Here's the basic thing: I feel a lot right now. I don't know what it is, or where it comes from, but on nights like tonight, when I think of certain things, I feel like I'm going to explode. I don't know what would happen if I did, but I don't think I will. It's just a lot.

~wes~

Friends

So I try to be of the mindset that says, I am your friend, not your father, and therefore it is my responsibility to be your friend, and not parent. So I had it when my friends do stuff that makes me want to parent and shit.

I mean, come on. These decisions are terrible. I'm not talking about "choosing to pursue studio art instead of business" terrible. I'm talking "date a person who has been divorced and has children" terrible. As much as I am fine with the idea of second chances for people who have made mistakes, there are limits to what I think is a good idea. And dating people who are clearly not past the emotional maturity of an 11 year old is past those damn limits.

I want to be your friend, guys. I want to be there for you as much as I can. I just CANNOT STAND these people. I cannot stand your decisions. I will be there for you when you need it, but I don't want to hear you whine, and then go back to these vomit piles. It's too painful for me, as your friend.

The end.

Saturday

I had no idea how much today would suck.

Basically, my to-do list for the day is:

• Drewry's Linguistics Term Paper
  
• Study for Brit Lit
• Finish Brit Lit Extra Credit
• Final Presentation for Ivanov
• Begin Studying for Drewry Midterm
• Clean the mod

So that's what I've got to do. Small problem: for some reason, in the past two months, I have fallen very comfortably into a routine that, when broken, causes unexpected amounts of stress and discomfort. My saturday, for two months, has been almost exclusively spent with Esther, hanging around and doing nothing. In addition, I'm also very comfortable with the routine of being able to talk with her online at almost any time when I'm on the computer, and today, she is traveling to Zzyzx (which is a real town), which means no communication either.

The combination of mental discomfort via finals and final papers long procrastinated, and emotional discomfort via an absent Esther puts me in quite an unsatisfied mood.

Essentially, what am I saying? Essentially, I am bitching. I'm complaining that I don't get to talk to Esther today, but I'm trying to do it in a rational and mature manner. Of course, there is often nothing rational about emotions, and so I can hardly hope to rationalize something that lacks traditional logic. I don't want to rationalize such emotions, as their validity is linked directly with their existence. However, approaching such feelings in a hopefully level enough emotional state can allow me to understand where they derive from and perhaps lead to understanding of why they are there. Right? I hope so.

God, this would be so much easier if I had FUN stuff to do today, but no, I'm sitting at my computer writing about American Evangelical Dialectal contradictions with the American Evangelical statement of purpose.

Can I just learn to value these feelings as they are? An ache that means I love someone, and an ache that means I want them to come back; it might not always be this way. I'm glad I'm capable of feeling these feelings. The hope that they'll be back soon (soon enough, in fact, that it makes my bitching stupid), and anticipation of meeting up once again.

Bleh. Bottom line? Miss you, es.

~wes~