Postal Service

"This place is a prison; these people aren't your friends"

This is the song that keeps running through my head tonight. I feel an overwhelming surge of emotion, and don't know what to do with it all, and amidst the cacophony of moods, I find myself back at this same song.

The thing is, this place isn't a prison. At least, this place physically isn't. I don't feel bound by this place, whether this place is my school, my home, my age, or my city. I don't even feel bound by my country. The prison that I feel is much more metaphorical and self-centered; I feel imprisoned by my own emotions. I can go wherever I please, and do just about whatever I want to do, but I carry my emotions, my stress and sadness, intense overwhelming joy and unprocessed anger with me no matter where I go or what I do. If anything, this "place" is my body, and my body is a prison for these feelings. I cannot leave them, and they are trapped with me. I cannot come to terms with them either; I just don't understand them.

The other thing is, these people ARE my friends. But they aren't friends like friends usually mean, or like many expect them to be. When I feel trapped by my own imprisoned emotional intensity, my friends don't fix anything. I don't feel fulfilled by my friends, nor do I feel understood. So these people are my friends, but they don't fix anything. They simply are. I don't really like this feeling, but in a sense, it's good; it comes back to the puzzle piece epiphany I had a while back.

People are incomplete. No surprise there. Every person feels incomplete. But people are SUPPOSED to be incomplete. It's so weird being in a relationship where I'm not trying to shape the other person to fit my missing holes (or trying to be in such a relationships - it's a new, difficult process for me).

So yeah. Here's the basic thing: I feel a lot right now. I don't know what it is, or where it comes from, but on nights like tonight, when I think of certain things, I feel like I'm going to explode. I don't know what would happen if I did, but I don't think I will. It's just a lot.

~wes~