limp

Thrice's lyricism is telling tonight: "I am an exile, a sojourner - a citizen of some other place."

Where am I an exile?  Probably the church.  Few things are more offputting.  Few places evoke more intense and contradictory emotions in me.

I can hear the voice inside my head, still - the one that told me long ago that a little doubt is good, but a lot is dangerous.  I still remember sitting in the basement of Life Bible, explaining - or trying to explain, rather - why I wanted to walk away from everything.  Because you can't walk away from something that universal, that true for long.  It catches up with you.  And if your eyes are open, eventually, you don't have a choice but to see.  So walk away.  It doesn't matter.

But here's the deal: biblically, it isn't just those with Job-like faith who are honored and blessed.  You wish things were that clear-cut.

I hate that I grew up thinking of the apostle Thomas as a failure.

Jacob was alone in the desert, and he was assaulted by god.  And he fought.  And he won.  In fact, god turned the tables by dislocating his hip with god-powers.  And Jacob's name was changed to Israel, the one who struggles with god, the name of a nation who - undoubtedly - has a rich history of struggling with god.  And the newly named Israel walked with the limp for all of his days.

I'd rather carry the scars of fighting tooth and nail with god than wear a badge of unshaken faith.  I'd rather walk with a spiritual limp and be forced to encounter the divine so personally that the only word left is Penial - for I have seen god face to face, and yet my life is preserved.