This is an update

This is an update, specifically because Esther is upset that I have not updated. I would like to inform you all that I am now a cowboy, and only cowboy accents and only phrases like "I'm here ta kill the man what killed mah paw" are acceptable. Such is the result of buying and watching 3:10 to Yuma. :)

icanhastechdethz?

Went to a sweet show tonight out in Victorville! All tech-death bands or wannabe tech death bands. Here is was the lineup and the analysis:

Venue: Karma in Victorville - Wow what a shithole. I'll bet this place was good at one point, but it was definitely not built for bands, at least not like these guys. The lights were on the whole time. And it was all one room. Meh. But I did like how few people were there, we got really close to the bands, and they came out after their performances to walk around and watch the other guys. I'd rather not go back there, but hell, all depends on the band, right?

-First Band: I don't know who they were. All I know is that they had no stage presence. They didn't announce themselves, they weren't hardly mixed, and they aren't worth talking about anymore.

-Second Band: Also don't know the name, but they were a little better. They would have been passably good if their FREAKIN DRUMMER has a sense of TIME. Man, the guy had some chops and whatnot, but he could NOT keep a steady tempo for his life. I was gonna kill the fool. Also, the lead singer looked straight up North European Metal, and he kept alternating between really low and really high screams, and it sounded kinda funny.

-Third Band: Suffokate - This group was a little more thrashy than technical, and because of it, the STUPID people in the audience were doing their little hardcore dancing. Which, if I'm perfectly honest, was completely hilarious. I did almost get kicked a few times, and I felt extremely gratified when they got kicked back. The drummer for this group looked absolutely exhausted the whole time, and I felt bad for the guy. Also, the lead singer had the most massive plugs I've EVER seen.

-Fourth Band: Arise Darkness? - I think that's their name, anyhow. There was the word Darkness in it, so I immediately assumed they wouldn't be very good (darkness is like the ultimate lame metal band title word). I had low expectations, so when the lead singing, who could NOT have been older than me, came out with a WAXED MUSTACHE that he must have been growing all tour, I just began to shake my head. Until they started playing! They were REALLY good, and I was quite impressed. And I felt kinship with the dude, cause of his goofy facial hair. One of the more redeeming qualities was that the band knew almost everyone in the audience, and he was definitely not taking himself too seriously. A goofy metal band is better than a serious one that still looks goofy.

-Fifth Band: Beneath the Massacre - BEST SHOW OF THE NIGHT. Man, I couldn't believe the stuff that they did on the stage. First off, they don't look anything like you might expect. They are like Canadian Bros, except nicer and funnier, and the singer had a sweet beard. And man....THE WEEDLIES! THE WEEDLIES! The guitars would go chugga chugga chugga WEEDLIE WEEDLIE WEEDLIE as they did some massive atonic diminished descending tap riff...it was quite something. I can't really put into words how much I enjoyed watching Beneath the Massacre.

-Sixth Band: Dying Fetus - I've seen Dying Fetus before, and I have to say, seeing them in such a tiny venue with so few people is WAY more awesome. I was probably 7 feet from their guitar player, and watching him to full neck sweeps WITH TAPS and then doing it again while screaming is totally insane. Not only that, but it seemed this time, maybe because I was paying more attention, that their stuff was much more headbang-able. Very fun.

-Seventh Band: The Faceless - By this time, my knees and feet were killing me, seeing as we had been on our feet for literally 5.5 hours watching metal. We ended up only staying for three The Faceless songs, and I wish I hadn't been so tired because they were really playing a good show. I loved how they were able to alternate between ridiculous Tech Death, and then tasteful, melodic solos. Quite fantastic!

Other Notable Aspects:

-Hot Chicks: There was a definitive lack of female presence at this show. There was one girl who was wearing this ridiculously short skirt that made her look like a skank. Also, no cute chicks with facial piercings. Sad day. Not that a Dying Fetus show is the optimum place for picking up chicks, nor am I looking. But it's always fun to see attractive people.

-Hardcore Dancers: Are Hilarious. I mean, I can't stand that they take up the whole floor for themselves, and literally look an anime character having a sissy fight, but holy smokes, they think they are THE SHIT and they look so stupid. I spent so much time laughing at them, and then laughing when really big dudes kicked them, because they kept kicking small people.

-Mosh Pit: The best part of the pit tonight was at the end of the Dying Fetus show, people started getting crazy. But of course, everyone was tired. So this one dude picked up his friend and spun him around in a circle, which was pretty funny. And then one guy fell, so everyone helped him up, but they did it REALLY ANGRILY like they were still moshing. BUT the best part was when this REALLY drunk fat dude ran into the pit and everyone started slow motion moshing! And the fat dude was playing doublebass on his big ole belly. I was laughing so hard I was crying.

-The Band: I got to meet the guitarist for Beneath the Massacre! Or at least ask him a question. There's only one guitar player in the band, and during the descending WEEDLIEs, there was a guitar harmony, so I wanted to know if he used a pedal to do the harmonies, or if the bass player perhaps had guitar strings on the top two strings to get the harmony. It turns out he uses a pedal to do fifths or fourths over his WEEDLIEs, and the bass does other harmonies as well. That was pretty cool.

Overall? Good experience. Worth the 18 bucks for tickets + willcall, and 9 bucks for gas. Definitely.

Metal

So I spend an awful lot of my time really, really angry. But for no reason.

Who am I angry at?

The last post suggests that it's god. I'm pissed the fuck off at god and her hypocrisy, or the hypocrisy with which she is represented. Is that accurate though? I can't honestly think of a time when I've 'experienced' god in a manner that wasn't so highly clouded by emotion or expectation that it was real. So who am I to lay all this blame on a being that may or may not even exist?

I also think I am angry at a lot of people, but I can't say who or why.

I could be angry with my parents for getting divorced, but honestly, seeing them so much less miserable makes ME happy, and knowing that they have both grown so much, especially my mom and her school and career, brings me tremendous joy.

I could be angry at chelsea, or at any of my ex girlfriends, but how narcissistic is it to lay the blame of one's sadness on someone who was only half of the situation? That's not accurate at all. Besides, each time I have lost someone, I have fallen more in love later; it's kinda like seasoning, preparing me for the person I stay with (preferably) until I'm dead.

I could be angry at my friends, but what did they do? Not anything, really...just be people. I used to have patience and love for humanity, especially the humanity of my friends, and now I just find myself with disgust and disdain.

I KNOW I am angry at the church. That's one of the few things I am sure of. But why am I angry, dammit?



My mom is a really smart lady, who has spent a lot of time in school and in therapy, learning about people and how they feel and think. She says that guilt and anger are grief left un-grieved. So what is it that I could be grieving that would make me so incredibly angry?

The first thing I think of when I hear the word grief is death. And death is only sad because of loss, right? The loss of a life. When a family is grieving, they are usually grieving the loss of a family member; when a person is wracked with grief, they may have just watched their family die, or seen their friends killed. In a more superficial manner, a person who desperately loves their car, more than any person or thing or idea in life is struck by grief when they are in a car accident, not because of the closeness to death, but because of the loss, the death of their beloved, their car.

So maybe what am I not grieving? What loss have I experienced that I am unable or unwilling to face, that makes me so incredibly furious?

Honestly...I think Nietzsche. I think I am mourning the death of god. Who else could make me so angry? Perhaps I am mourning the realization that I have been lied to most of my life; that the god I was told cares about me and my family and everyone isn't anything at all but a figment of the hopeful and desperate imaginations of religious zealots. That the voice of god is just the Id, speaking out what it desires in a way that satisfies the Superego. That miracles are just coincidences magnified by an expectant eye to the point of distortion, that the bible is just a convenient collection of writers who all read each other's works, and that the church is just a group of people who think that they are set apart and better than everyone else.

I mourn the death of someone I once thought I loved. That's why I hate, that's why I am angry. Maybe.

I feel tired now.

Goodnight.

~wes~

I hate you jesus

I hate you jesus.

I hate you god.

I hate you holy spirit

I hate you trinity

I hate you church

I hate you "merciful father"

I hate you genesis

I hate you bible

I hate you gospel

I hate you worship

I hate you church

I hate you preachers

I hate you christians

I hate you catholics

I hate you western judeo-christian belief system



What does god represent to me? He represents the failure to save my family. He represents the willingness to watch my mother and father and brothers and self hurt and do nothing. He represents the church that has cast me out like a leper. He represents the social atrocities that he refuses to take responsibility for. He represents the death my dating relationship with the girl I love. He represents gossip, dishonesty, judgment, and christianity. He represents the isolation that I feel every day from everything, because of whatever it is that distances me from whatever. He represents destruction, violence, rape and murder, but does so through deception like grace, mercy, and love. He represents how it is illegal on campus for a boy to hold the hand of another boy. He represents the shock and disgust people would show if I violated the cross. He represents mass produced pop music, self help magazines, fucked up and unequal relationships, pressure to attain perfection, nationalism, centuries of lies, unfair grading, nauseating clichés, and most of all, hatred.

I feel bottled up, and with nowhere to release. The desert that is this place offers me no relief, and despite the community, I am alone. And who else to blame but jesus, the motivation for the wrongs done.

The crusades, the witch burnings, and the inquisition were child's play compared to the psychological and spiritual warfare that god is participating in now.

God is narcissism, the desperate need to know that despite what everything else suggests, the world does indeed revolve around us.

God is hunger to get what we want without the moral dilemmas that follow.

God is fear that we don't count, that another person may very well be as important as us.

God is the church that we see and participate in every day, because John Wesley, my namesake, says that tradition is essential to knowing god.

God is selfishness through inspiration to participate in something extraordinary, and as a result, not be forgotten, and to live forever.

God is greed to get what we want without having to say so.

God is pride that we are better than everyone else.


And ultimately, god is nothing more than the church. Because all we can know is the church. God is the institution of religion, the occultist gathering of devotees once a week to channel positive energy through Chris Tomlin and Phil Wickam in hopes that, maybe, if we do it right THIS time, we can stimulate a neural pathway leading to a memory of an emotion we felt and as a result release ample amounts of serotonin in our brains to label it a "spiritual experience" and credit it to god. God is the "Word," a collection of improbable texts from various writers that claim promises that never have been redeemed.


God is experience.

Therefore, I hate god.

Stick that if your goddam pipe and smoke it.




"Slowly she makes her way to the front steps and says, 'You have to realize something, Ed.' ... Carefully now, her statement comes out. 'Believe it or not - it takes a lot of love to hate you like this.' "

- i am the messenger

Unnecessary Conflict?

I have this weird belief: I think, if in any situation other than actually referring to theatre, if a person says the word "drama," especially when complaining about a disagreement, that they are participating in it. So if you read this, and think that word, and wonder why I dance around it, that is why.

Now moving on.

Why are people incapable of being human? I am defining "human" here as patient, forgiving, and concerned with the well-being of others. If we are truly concerned with the well-being of others, would there even be these ridiculous, retarded, UTTERLY fucking USELESS arguments? Honestly...I don't know how much of it I can take.

You know that gossip thing that we are warned against as children? I understand the appeal in that, when you're hanging out with a friend, and you are interested in the lives of other people, so you and your friend compare information. That's one thing. But the type of gossip that involves more than one person, where the motive is no longer (or no longer disguised as) concern for the well-being of the person about whom the discussion is centered upon, but is for the DELIBERATE DEHUMANIZATION of that person, that makes me sick. I absolutely cannot be in a group of people who begin a conversation that is just complaining about a person. Tearing them down! Casting judgment on them! Drawing a conclusion based on BIASED, SELECTED information, in order to create schisms!

WHAT

THE

FUCK.

Isn't this person your friend? How can you show such obvious resentment towards someone who you have promised your loyalty? This just doesn't make sense to me.

We need to take responsibility for our choices. If you are friends with someone you don't like anymore, you don't get away from them by making everyone hating them. Our responsibility as people who make relationships is to deal with them in a mature, honest, caring manner.

This being said, if anyone who has read this wonders why I get up and leave when a group starts an "oh my god can you believe what he just did" circle, you now know. It is because I cannot stand to be around you for another second. It is because I have no more respect for you. But most of all, it's because if I am next to you for one more second, listening to you deceive a person who thinks you are trustworthy, I will vomit everywhere. So just don't include me in that useless shit.

Nevermind

I was gonna post something...but then I realized how stupid I sound.

Cause of Death: Irreconcilable Differences.

Thus ends a chapter of my life that began over a year and two months ago.

The worst part? Thinking that this just isn't right. Knowing that the relationship isn't ending because people aren't in love, or because we don't want it to work, but that we just clash in ways that as the people we are now, we cannot work around. Thinking that in our relationship, we have more than most people have in their marriages, and knowing that it isn't enough. And most of all, the worry that tomorrow will bring wisdom that could have saved us.

That's what convinces us as people to endure. The promise of something different tomorrow. But what about when tomorrow is too far away? Chelsea and I could no longer wait until tomorrow to gain the wisdom to mature our relationship further. In fact, we may already possess that wisdom; I'm sure she does. Rather, I do not possess the fortitude of spirit to put into action that wisdom I have been handed over and over again.

So I am left, as expected, with a broken heart. I can only hope that the friends I have surrounding me can be a strong enough deadline to help me endure. I trust that my hindsight bias in the future will make me feel like a fool for not seeing the good in this, and I trust that the god that I inevitably end up believing in has my best interest in mind. I pray for strength and the willingness to grieve, the resistance against the pain of heartache.

But I still can't take her pictures down off my wall.

Dr Seusspeare

Hey guys,

I had a project for my Shakespeare class to translate a scene from William Shakespeare's "Taming of the Shrew" into some sort of vernacular dialect. I chose to turn it into Dr Seuss language. I've included the original text from the play as well - it's funnier if you understand that one first. :)


PETRUCHIO:
I will attend her here,
And woo her with some spirit when she comes.
Say that she rail; why then I'll tell her plain
She sings as sweetly as a nightingale:
Say that she frown, I'll say she looks as clear
As morning roses newly wash'd with dew:
Say she be mute and will not speak a word;
Then I'll commend her volubility,
And say she uttereth piercing eloquence:
If she do bid me pack, I'll give her thanks,
As though she bid me stay by her a week:
If she deny to wed, I'll crave the day
When I shall ask the banns and when be married.
But here she comes; and now, Petruchio, speak.

Enter KATHARINA

Good morrow, Kate; for that's your name, I hear.

KATHARINA:
Well have you heard, but something hard of hearing:
They call me Katharina that do talk of me.

PETRUCHIO:
You lie, in faith; for you are call'd plain Kate,
And bonny Kate and sometimes Kate the curst;
But Kate, the prettiest Kate in Christendom
Kate of Kate Hall, my super-dainty Kate,
For dainties are all Kates, and therefore, Kate,
Take this of me, Kate of my consolation;
Hearing thy mildness praised in every town,
Thy virtues spoke of, and thy beauty sounded,
Yet not so deeply as to thee belongs,
Myself am moved to woo thee for my wife.

KATHARINA
Moved! in good time: let him that moved you hither
Remove you hence: I knew you at the first
You were a moveable.

PETRUCHIO
Why, what's a moveable?

KATHARINA
A join'd-stool.

PETRUCHIO
Thou hast hit it: come, sit on me.

KATHARINA
Asses are made to bear, and so are you.

PETRUCHIO
Women are made to bear, and so are you.

KATHARINA
No such jade as you, if me you mean.

PETRUCHIO
Alas! good Kate, I will not burden thee;
For, knowing thee to be but young and light--

KATHARINA
Too light for such a swain as you to catch;
And yet as heavy as my weight should be.

PETRUCHIO
Should be! should--buzz!

KATHARINA
Well ta'en, and like a buzzard.

PETRUCHIO
O slow-wing'd turtle! shall a buzzard take thee?

KATHARINA
Ay, for a turtle, as he takes a buzzard.

PETRUCHIO
Come, come, you wasp; i' faith, you are too angry.

KATHARINA
If I be waspish, best beware my sting.

PETRUCHIO
My remedy is then, to pluck it out.

KATHARINA
Ay, if the fool could find it where it lies,

PETRUCHIO
Who knows not where a wasp does
wear his sting? In his tail.

KATHARINA
In his tongue.

PETRUCHIO
Whose tongue?

KATHARINA
Yours, if you talk of tales: and so farewell.

PETRUCHIO
What, with my tongue in your tail? nay, come again,
Good Kate; I am a gentleman!



That's the original. Here is the Dr Seuss Rendition!

Petruchio:

I said:

“Yes then, send good Kate to me

I will not hide up in a tree.

How can I make missus Katie my Queen?

Oh! I know how! I know just the thing.

If she does talks the talkiest of all

I’ll say her voice sings like Snorgle Dove Call

And if she is sad, then I will not wince,

I’ll say she is wiser than Mount Gruffaluff’s Prince.

And if she is quiet, then I will smile!

And show my teeth like a cramococolodile.

And if she says, ‘go sir, just go, go, go, go!’

And after I ask her, again she says no,

Then still I will stay! And still I will speak

As if she had asked me to stay one more week.

And as for our wedding, if she says ‘no sir,’

Then still I will stay! And get married to her.

Oh my! Here she comes. Oh, what will I say?

Good afternoon Kate! How is your day?”

Katharina:

“Do I know you, good sir?” asked Kate, and then added more:

“They call me Katharina who’ve not met be before.”

Petruchio:

“You look like miss Kate,” I said with a smile.

“Not plain Kate or mean Kate, or Kate who is wild,

Not catty Kate, crazy Kate, or Kate who will wail,

Just Kate who’s as pretty as a ploogerbird’s tail.

Kate who I’ve heard of for much of my life,

Miss Kate, whose good goodness I want as my wife.”

Katharina:

Kate’s cheeks turned bright red, and she turned as she said

“I’m going to bed, I don’t want to be wed.

“So please go away.” And that’s all that she said.

Petruchio:

So I replied, “Kate, I’m sure you will see

If you take just one moment, and sit on my knee…”

Katharina:

“No!” cut in Kate, “I’ll not sit on your knee!

You are not a donkey, but a person like me,”

Petruchio:

“Are you then a donkey if I sit on your knee?”

Katharina:

“Yes,” she replied, “And I’d rather not be”

Petruchio:

“Ok then, miss Kate, then I’ll not burden thee.”

Katharina:

“Well I would hope not, sir, for that would be rude!”

Petruchio:

So I turned and retorted as best as I could

“My Kate, you are grumpy, and much like a Yurtle”

Katharina:

“How dare you say I’m like that terrible turtle!

Why, all of the Whos down in Whoville can see

It’s you who is being a Yurtle, not me!

And a floogy-flopped buzzard, and your tongue like a bee

For trying to get me to sit on your knee.”

Petruchio:

I was confused now, and not having fun

“But Kate, a bee’s stinger is not in its tongue!

It stings with its tail, and my tongue is not there”

Katharina:

“But your tongue’s in my tail!” and she plopped on a chair.

And all at once, turned to a bright cherry red

When she realized the thing that to me she’d just said.

Petruchio:

So I said, “Kate, how soon do you think we can wed?”

She replied, “trust me, I’d rather be dead”

With a turn of her head, she headed for bed

And bid me goodnight, and that’s all that she said






Hopefully, the King of Children's Books would be proud.


~wes~

Welcome to Out-of-Touch

Today, while climbing at Malibu's Rock Pool, I dropped my fantastic phone that I paid a good $200 for over a year ago to the bottom of the lake. It is, needless to say, broken.

Now I will learn some new things. For example, my unexpected reliance on technology. I don't "adore" my phone or freak out if I leave it somewhere, but I was VERY pissed that it fell.

I am worried that somebody who needs to get a hold of me will be unable to, or that I will forget to do certain things because I have no calender or notepad. How do I remedy this?

Mostly, this makes me want to relearn to ride a bike well. Sounds off topic...but what piece of technology do I have that is less reliable than my phone? My jalopy. Poor jalopy, she is old and gives out all the time, so I would like to learn what my time constraints are on a bike so as to not find myself in the same pickle.


~wes~

Some Thoughts in Class

I'm just sitting in class and looking for something to do. So I'll update the blag on my concert last thursday.

Headliner: Sleepytime Gorilla Museum
Openers: Stolen Babies and Pleaseeasaur

Pleaseeasaur: The first "musical" act was this dude who came out by himself in a grim reaper costume that then turned into a cape for an awful disco outfit. He then proceeded to sing these weird ass songs about noodles, cobras being cool, Randy Normal designer jeans, and not taking candy from strangers. It took a while, but I FINALLY realized he was not being serious. Apparently he has a DVD out with Comedy Central, and I swear I've seen his emblem on Adult Swim on Cartoon Network. Overall, he was pretty freaking hilarious when I realized he was joking.

Stolen Babies: The second band, Stolen Babies, was AWESOME. The band includes a phenomenal bass player who pretty much lead the band, a drummer named Gil who tore that set up (literally; he busted a bass head in the first song), a keyboard player who made some seriously funky noises, the creepy screaming accordion girl, and the suckish guitar player. They played a lot of my favorite songs, including Filistata, Lifeless, and Spill!, and they even had a couple new songs that were REALLY fantastic. I was a little dissapointed with the sound of the bass player's upright bass in Filistata, which I could hardly hear, and Dominique's accordian playing wasn't mind blowing, but overall, I really enjoyed the show.

Sleepytime Gorilla Museum: Man, this band SUCKED. It was so much ridiculous noise and chaos, I couldn't listen to it. Stephen and I went downstairs and met the band.


Highlights: We got to meet the band! We went downstairs and the drummer laughed at me cause I accidentally bought the girls band shirt, and Dominique signed the raisin box we brought, and handed out the raisins out to everyone. It was hilarious!

That was the concert. On friday, we're seeing Opeth and Enslaved (who cares about enslaved)! Yay Opeth.


~wes~

Points

I am finding things lack a point.

A point is the narrow end of something. Usually something that is pointed serves it's entire purpose in that point - for example, a needle or a pencil. While there may be alternate or secondary purposes, under most circumstances, on a sharp object, the purpose is the point.

A point is narrowed from everything else. For example, a pencil, without a point, is useless to write with. When sharpened, the mass of the pencil narrows until the graphite is exposed and the pencil becomes useful for writing. If the mass, the extra "fluff" doesn't narrow however, if the pencil isn't pushed towards the ultimate goal of writing, then no point is achieved, and therefore no purpose is achieved.

The point of a pencil is to write, and the point of a needle is to poke. These things are pretty concrete; however, in attempting to refine my own life to a point, to eradicate my fluff until only the graphite is exposed and I am able to successfully do what I was designed to do, I find difficulty. For one, my point is not as easily attained as that of a pencil. In fact, it is not even as easily understood as that of a pencil. My graphite isn't as obvious, and there is no clear-cut pencil sharpener.

A pencil can be used to erase too. It can be used to hold someone's hair in a bun, to do magic tricks, to stab someone's hands, and to squash a bug. However, these all deviate from the purpose that the pencil was created to do. I often feel like my own life has gotten preoccupied with my alternate purposes, and I am missing my ability to write altogether.

However, what if a pencil were suddenly to realize that maybe, it was just coincidence that created it the way it was? Talk about a confusing event. It's easy to know the point if someone tells you, but if you begin to question what's the point, or better yet, How's the point and Why's the point, then things aren't as clear cut anymore. But it's not that they aren't clear cut anymore; it's that they never were, and now this poor pencil is shamefully aware of it.

What's the point of facebook, school, or existence? Why am I being sharpened, to what purpose, and am I being sharpened at all? It's a frustrating conundrum, one that leaves me confused. I find myself bored with being an eraser or a performing magic tricks; I want to write, like I was intended to. Now if only it were as easy as it is for the pencil to realize what I was intended to do...

Always With These Late Nights

Always with these late nights. I never get any sleep.


So topic of the evening (or morning, it is 2 am): Ethos

Ethos is essentially defined as character. A person's character is their essence, that which governs their actions, and subsequently, their lives and the lives of those around them. It's what makes a person make the decisions that they do, their moral compass and code of conduct. Morality shapes a person's life; without it, daily activity has no direction and is meaningless.

So why discuss Ethos? I'm sure you weren't wondering that question. I'm sure you were wondering, wes, why are you discussing anything, we don't want to read this! Well if you don't want to read, then go away. :)

So why discuss Ethos? Because as a speaker, scholar, philosopher, writer, and person, Ethos is the most important. Sadly, it is often the most overlooked; however, Ethos is what defines just about everything.

I'm speaking (writing) now of the Ethos of the Greek Philosophers, that stands in contrast to Logos and Pathos, the minds of Logic and Emotion. Ethos stands as the mind of credibility. What is interesting is that Ethos seems to not fit with the other two. However, judgments made on a person's Ethos are done almost immediately and without thought. To display poor Ethos is to alienate your audience from yourself and risk no longer being able to appeal to them. This is regarded as failure in public speaking, writing, and teaching.

So the goal of Ethos is to preserve one's credibility; to make one appear knowledgeable. Man (and Woman), being mortal, cannot perceive what the senses to not react to, and therefore, is incapable of adequately casting judgment upon any person. However, judgment is required for day to day survival, so some sort of judging in necessary. A person must judge others based on what they can perceive.

To preserve one's credibility, one must appear knowledgeable and trustworthy to peers. If the goal is to seem intellectual, then a large vocabulary is in order. If the goal is to seem down to earth, then a casual sentence structure and easy to comprehend speaking style is necessary. If the goal is to appear as a total jerk, profanity and race/sexism are effective. No matter the goal, however, the perception can be left up to the person.


So, at what point does preservation of appearances become unhealthy?

Because it definitely does.

I love to appear as "scholarly." However, especially in the beginning of classes, I will let this get in the way of being social, or even being generally kind. I am too busy looking smart and dignified to associate with the rest of the class. I hate this, but in order to appear scholarly and intelligent, I often feel the pressure to abstain from social interaction.

I feel like Ethos is the art of self-labeling. By preserving Ethos, we can make ourselves unapproachable or socially kind; lofty or idiotic. Whatever suits our purposes. I see why Plato would find Ethos the most important - nobody but a fool listens to someone who they don't believe. So we create our boxes for other people to see, and live in them. So long as we stay in the box, we are believable. And we create our own labels often, and then are trapped by them again. Irony (Fe).

More Late Night Frustration With God

So here's my problem.

Belief.

Can I choose to believe anything? The answer:

No.

There is no such thing as belief. Well, technically, because the human capacity for knowledge is so minimal, everything is belief. But a person believes something because they are shown that it is true.

Nobody purposely believes something they think is false, right?

And being asked to change belief is ridiculous. That's why "conversion" (oh, how I despise that word) never works very well; the converter must convince the convertee that what they are saying is true. I can no more choose to believe in god if everything I've learned says otherwise than you can choose to be buddhist from here on out, just because.

So if I can't choose what I believe, then it's based on what I see as truth. And what I see as truth is what I'm shown by the world and the people around me.

I have no desire to abandon god. Why would I? It's around the christian god that my entire upbringing was based, and upon which my morality orbits. Everything I think, say, and do is through the christian lens. But if every bit of information I receive is just more and more contrary information to what god claims, well, what am I supposed to do?




Also, faith. I'm not sure I understand faith. Is faith belief in something? Just straight belief: like I have faith that the sun will rise in the morning. If that's faith, then I have the same issue that I do with belief.

Is faith then, like the second definition according to dictionary.com, belief in something without proof? Even this I can swallow; honestly, there is no proof for anything anyways. I can have faith in god without proof.

My problem is here. Is faith belief in something, contrary to the proof provided? Is it a requirement of faith to SUSPEND ALL LOGIC AND INTELLECT for the something to make sense? That can't be right! There is absolutely no way that the god that created me as a questioning and deep thinking individual could ever ask me to give up what is my strength for him to be real. That is pathetic.


So you people who I talk to, when you say "have faith," what the hell does that mean? Does that mean, "hold on, god's coming to get you?" Well, I'm waiting. Or does it mean, "Stop questioning?" Cause in that case, keep your faith. I'm not interested.





I am doubting thomas. When my friends tell me, "jesus is alive," I say, I wont believe until I see the holes in his hands. There are many reasons for this.
- Perhaps I loved jesus the most out of any of you, and now he's gone, and I'm not willing to risk myself for such a huge, life crushing dissapointment.
- Maybe it's because I'm smart, and things like ressurection aren't to be taken lightly, let alone without question.
- It could be that I'm level headed, and watching out for my friends; imagine how heartbroken peter would be if he learned that jesus wasn't really back.
- Maybe I'm skeptical because of my experiences with these crazy apostles already so far. People tend to exaggerate or see what they want to see.

Or maybe I just don't like being lied to. It hurts a lot to get decieved, and I don't want it to happen. If jesus claimed to be god, and then was killed by mere man, and I SAW him die, then how could he come back? What if you're wrong? What if you're lying? It's foolish to say anything but show me your hands and feet.

But according to the bible, he did, didn't he? Jesus showed thomas his hands and his feet. The god of the new testament was not bound by thomas's doubt. So there is no reason he should be bound by my doubt now.

God, if you're there, then I am praying. I cannot believe until I see the holes in your hands. I can't see a reason why if you could show thomas, you can't show me. So I'm praying, as desperate as I've ever prayed, prove yourself to me. Make youself more than a story for me. I need it NOW, because I don't have any stamina to keep this indecisiveness up any longer.



~wes~

I am back

I am back from Lent now.

Lets start our return to the internet with bitter ramblings.




We all place our trust in something, all the time. When that trust is broken, conflict arises. Simple enough, right? Even teen trendy magazines get this: "Angelina Jolie Stabs Brad in the Back - Divorce Papers Being Processed NOW."

We all crave a place to put our trust. Not only do we crave it, we REQUIRE it, in order to function naturally. It's impossible to live without placing your trust somewhere. The problem arises when the vessel we endow with our trust is incapable or unwilling to fulfill our expectations of them.

For example, if I drive everywhere every day, I have trust in my car, that the motor will work and I will get to where I need to go. If my car breaks down, then I feel angry, betrayed. I know my car has no consciousness; however, I am angry, because I trusted my car to get me to work or school, and now I've been stranded. This betrayal can be redirected too, towards the mechanic with whom I have endowed an amount of trust on the functioning of my car, or to my family, who drove the car last and obviously forgot to put oil in it.

On the other hand, if I get in my car, knowing full well that the oil has been low for months, the tires are flat, and the battery is dead, and something goes wrong, while I still may feel angry, I don't feel as betrayed. The frustration I feel is different.


So that is that righteous angry, that feeling of betrayal we feel. It's because something we trusted didn't come through for us. However, as far as I know, every person has COMPLETELY unrealistic standards for the people that they trust. So it's a self-fulfilling prophesy, the process of trusting anything or anyone; everything fails everyone completely and utterly.

Where is a person to place their trust then? According to the bible, it's God. The unique thing about placing trust in an omnipotent and omnipresent being that is invisible is that a person can never quite tell when they are being failed. Say, for instance, that there were no God to place this trust in; it wouldn't matter, because if there were, that being knows all, and therefore is incapable of making mistakes. And the bible says that the christian God is one with our best interest at mind, so that means that any misery or seeming betrayal of trust is intentional, for our best interest.

However, an invisible being that makes no form of obvious contact poses a problem. Because there is no communication between God and man, man is incapable of knowing the intent behind occurrences. And because man can't know the intent, man also can't know whether his trust has been betrayed. The "working out" of a situation may be due to nothing more than positive thinking or random chance, or it maybe be due to the workings of God. Man has no way of knowing. A person who believes God pulls all strings is quick to believe that happiness is a blessing from God, and pain is a curse; however, beyond blind faith, there is no way to know what the operator behind those actions is.



Faith seems like a shortcut. I have faith that my car will start when I go outside (well, sometimes I do), because in the past, when I turn the key, my car starts. I've also seen many other cars start by turning a key. I don't need to have someone show me or explain exactly what is happening for me to believe it will work. Faith takes me from point A to point M without having to go to every point in the middle. But is it faith then?

Is faith believing or expecting something without any reasons whatsoever that it will occur? Because that is very contrary to anything I feel I can accept. Many times, when I explain that I have trouble believing in God, people tell me to have faith, and God will reveal himself. If the God they are talking about is the same God that the bible is talking about, all-powerful and all-knowing, He is not confined by my having faith or not, and therefore whether or not I have faith, He should be more than capable or revealing himself. It seems counter-intuitive to believe something for the sake of believing it in hopes that you'll believe it. I don't even think a person can choose when they believe.


So in that case, my conclusion is that faith and trust seem to be pretty closely tied, no person can shoulder the burden of another's trust without failing, people need an unfailing source for their trust, and placing trust in a non-responsive deity is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Alright, for next time, we'll talk about why that deity is non-responsive, i.e. my issues with prayer.


~wes~

Swallow the Sun and other Bands

Last night was the Swallow the Sun concert with my brother for his birthday, and I have to say, I had an awesome time. I was worried about getting there, the atmosphere, the area, getting home, money, and an assortment of things, but everything worked out perfectly. I couldn't have asked for a better night. The bands that were playing were Destroy the Opposition, Sangre, Swallow the Sun, Warbringer, and Darkane, and these five were opening for Soilwork.

Destroy the Opposition: We arrived only for the last two songs of the set for this band. Honestly, they were pretty awful. They had no stage presence and their lead singer was facing away from the audience while singing as much as he was facing the audience. The best part of their show was the end (haha, yes I know) when they brought up some random friend of theirs and he did a massive pig squeal, which was demonic and amazingly frightening, but impressive at the same time.

Sangre: Their name apparently is spanish for blood, and I was honestly pretty impressed by their show. Their guitar players could both shred pretty well, but I couldn't hear the guy on the right. However, what impressed me the most was their hybridization of thrashcore with some traditional hispanic musical elements. For example, the guitar player on the left played some traditional flamenco guitar between huge shredding solos during one song. Also, their vocalist had a good high scream range.

Swallow the Sun: Swallow was the reason I was there. This band stood out like sore thumbs in comparison to all of these thrash bands, and they were AMAZING. Their slow pace and patient doom metal style shown forth, and even the lighting was fantastic! There wasn't so much fog that you couldn't see anything, like with the later bands, but there was just enough to make the performance etherial, and the blue lighting added an awesome effect. My favorite part though: their lead singer. Unlike every other band, who ran around trying to get the crowd hyped and cussing like sailors, this dude just STOOD THERE with his hands behind his back until it was time to sing. Then he covered his face and let loose the most awesome low and high screams ever!

Warbringer: Ahhh! I was too busy laughing to listen to most of this band. Their lead singer didn't stop using his devil-scream voice the entire show, even when he was talking to the audience! And he was so full of "evil clichés" that it was hilarious. I've heard that Warbringer has been compared to Slayer, and that seems pretty accurate from the sound of their spastic, constantly blastbeating style. But come on man. "Mortal's Falling Down at the Crack of Doom?" That is the WORST song title on the planet.

Darkane: Darkane was interesting. They were powerful, loud, and had the shreddiest guitars on the planet. However, their singer sounded like he was losing his voice, and I felt bad for him, trying so hard and sounding so silly. Where we were standing for this band was a horrible choice though; we were RIGHT next to the speaker, and I think they were louder than even the main act, so my head HURT by the end. Not to mention Darkane is a serious thrashmetal band, so every song was a million bpm and uber loud with no dynamics. However, their guitar player was AMAZING. I saw probably the most phenomenal guitaring that night from that guy, and he was even a little funny, putting his guitar down for the audience to slap during a solo. Worst thing: everything sounded exactly the same.

Soilwork: Soilwork was the second best act of the night, and everyone else was opening for them, so they did a really awesome job. It helped that everyone was all pumped (and drunk, of course) for the final band, but they put on a great show. Their guitarists both could shred like no other, and what was nice was they were much less of a thrash band, and had a lot more melodic elements to their songs. You could sing along (if you knew any of the songs, which I didn't)! Their singer had a great sounding voice, both when he was screaming and when he was singing, which is really difficult, and he even sounded pretty in tune. Their drummer was pretty fantastic too, but he was so covered in fog that I couldn't even hardly see him. :)

So that was the show. I have no voice, and can hardly move my head thanks to Swallow's performance, but it was worth it! All in all, the venue was fantastic too. Apparently the restaurant upstairs has really good food too. We'll check that out next time!

No More Church.

Mel Gibson said in the last supper scene of Signs “I’m not wasting another minute of my life on prayer.” Well I’m not wasting another minute of my life on church.

There are things to be done, and I’m not doing them. There are people to be loved, and a god to be seen, and it’s not a church anymore, if it ever was. So I’m done wasting my time there.

I don’t think church has anything at all to do with god. I mean, it has something to do with god in the sense that golfing or tying your shoes has something to do with god – everything a christian person does is supposed to be based around god. But church…church is about community, it’s about learning by giving, and getting over yourself. Since when does god need church? Focusing on god at church is an excuse to avoid getting our hands dirty.

I am sick and freaking tired of not getting my hands dirty. I’m so furious that I could cry, that I have been wasting my life at church, because those are hours that were supposed to be about you that I made about me. Where is god in self centeredness? It’s such an EXCUSE to go to church on sunday and sing to god. No more singing! No more talking about the god that loves and saves and does all this awesome stuff. No more pretending that it’s god’s job to love the outcasts! No, I am SO finished with excuses. I’m tired of no action.

You know what else I’m tired of? Hypocrisy. And I’m tired of deceitfulness. Oh yeah, I’m really tired of that one. I’m tired of church trying to elicit certain emotions from me, because I’m apparently not able to reach the same conclusion as them on my own. I’m so fed up with the LIE that church is an act with other christian people. I am so tired of the western christian ideology!

I don’t want any more announcements. No more causes or offering boxes, and especially no more routine. I’m tired of a building, I’m tired of worship bands and powerpoint presentations with the words to popular songs. If I hear another clever sermon, my head might explode. I am not interested in a god who works through lectures and notes, because I know the lecture and note god, and he hasn’t done it for me.

I am afraid if I denounce chuch, that I’ll be disobeying god. He says to meet in a community and do church. What if I’m wrong, and this is the way things are supposed to be, at least relatively, and I’m just spinning my wheels? Well in that case, fuck christianity. I’m not wasting one more minute of my life on prayer to the god of lectures and regurgitated plastic religion.

I know my god isn’t one who lives in a house. He isn’t a person who will take excuses, and I’ll bet he’s as fed up with church as I am. I can picture god screaming out during worship, “STOP! Stop, look around you, stop using me as a distraction, and look at the pain and suffering that you can alleviate around you!”

It’s lent time. I gave up the internet in recreational use, and now it’s time to fill that time with something else. I don’t know how I’m gonna do it, or where its gonna be, or what it’s gonna look like, but I can assure you, it’s going to be damn different. I CANNOT GO BACK to church knowing that if I do, it will be an excuse to stay at home and hide.

I’m so, so tired of hiding from god in the church.

Intent?

Been a while since my last post, so I suppose it's time to once again sort through my thoughts via written language. Isn't it funny that it isn't until it's down on a paper (screen) that I can see how skewed and nuts I am.

What about intentions?

In an earthly world, all a person can care about is results, outcome. For example, I try my very best to teach my children to swim, but drown them in the process. Obviously, I will be in very much trouble for essentially killing my kids, because the result was death, aside from whatever I may have meant. However, it certainly seems that judgment based solely on results and outcome can't be the most effective method. If it were, we would have no leniency towards criminals who didn't intend for a certain outcome. For example:

I saw an episode of Law and Order a few years ago where that weird socially awkward investigator is interrogating a man suspected of murdering two women by drilling holes in their head and pouring hot water on their brains. Yes, it sounds horrific. During the process of interrogation, he gets enough information to put the man on death row. The investigator, however, knows that this man didn't intentionally kill these women; his attempt was to render them brain damaged enough that they needed him to take care of him. In a sense, the entire murder aspect of the crime, which was what would put him on death row, wasn't accurate. Despite his superior's orders, the investigator went back into the room and continued asking questions until finally the man confessed to not trying to kill the women, but trying to keep them brain damaged and alive. This was the man's intent, and because of the investigator's actions, he was sentenced to life in prison, instead of death row.

What does this mean? It means that people believe, inherently, that intent is what decides morality. The problem is, we live in a world that we can only perceive through cause and effect, so therefore to us, only cause and effect exists. And, because we see only cause and effect, we only see the effects of our actions. The intent does us little to no good, because results are what effect us. Essentially we live in a state of existence that wants desperately to be just by judging intent, but has no choice but to judge results.

What if there were a way to judge intent? Like a machine that could tell automatically whether a person intended harm or good in an action, despite what the result was? Would this be an effective way of sentencing criminals?

God sees the intent of our actions. He is not effected by the results of anything we do, and he can see the honesty or the lack thereof in everything we do. The bible says that god judges a person's heart, which we are incapable of doing. It's a good thing too; if we could judge a person by their heart, I don't know if we would use it right. Imagine trying to explain to the family whose children were just run over by a semi that it was an accident and that there will be no consequence for the driver.

As a person, not as a government official or anything, I think it's easier to just not judge people at all. BUT it's nearly impossible to not judge! Everything I do is shaped around what I think about everyone else. Sometimes it's frustrating.

~wes~

Poetry

I'm not a huge fan of free verse. I usually feel like it's cheating, because if you don't have to think about it hard enough to make it fit into a rhyme scheme and meter, then you aren't thinking hard enough about it. However, I gave it a try this time. I couldn't get the idea into a standard Spencerian Sonnet...>_< style="font-weight: bold;">

The Strings

The strings fill her.

Keys strike steel, and resonate with lonely temperance,
Infecting her unreasonable ears.
Broken chords heal festering loves
Buried beneath flesh and above soul

The strings fill her

Rusted brass violates the silence
Protesting her cowardice and her patience.
The sound that reaches it’s way inside
Without remorse, and static is all she hears

The strings fill her

Clawing at wood and ivory
She is struck by hammers and impaled by bows
Waves that take everything secret she has
And leave it dead on the carpet

The strings fill her

With anticipation that debilitates
With despair that oppresses
With warmth that nauseates
As the music climaxes, and collapses

The strings fill her

The sound rapes her ears
Mercilessly deflowers her,
Until she is spent past salvation.
The music, never hesitant, leaves her there

The strings fill her

And leave her empty again.

Belief

There is a big difference between knowledge and belief. In fact, they have little to do with each other. However, people, or at least I, naturally put them together unconsciously. The problem is that quite often, what we believe has little to do with what we know, and what we know has little to do with what we believe.

I often have trouble believing in god. Is this my fault? Should I be ashamed of this? Or worse, is my disbelief a failing on my behalf because I didn't go to church enough of because I watched too many movies with violence and sex scenes? If that is the god of the christian faith, I renounce my faith right now.

Can a person even have any control over what they believe in at all? Sure, you can have an influence. I can make myself more apt to believing in god by surrounding myself with people who do, and by immersing myself in christian ideology. But what I believe seems to go a little deeper than that.

Take a kid, abused by his dad when he was little. He believes dad's are evil. That's irrational; there are good dads everywhere. He's seen good dads, his friends' dads have been nice to him, but he still believes, despite all the evidence on the contrary, that dads are evil. Can this child be blamed for this? Is it his fault he doesn't believe dads are good? And can this child, by learning that dads aren't all bad, change this viewpoint?

I don't know. I think it's perfectly possible for the kid to see his friends dad being nice and say "wow, dads are cool" just like that. Apparently that wasn't a very well fortified belief. Also, it's perfectly possible for the kid to spend the rest of his life with foster fathers or friends' fathers who are fantastic, and believe his whole life that dads are still evil. So it's like this.

Knowledge does not warrant belief.

I also think suspicion is a premature form of belief. If you suspect something, you have already come to the belief that it is possible, and have decided that unless evidence for the contrary appears, that it is the most likely outcome.

I often suspect that the old testament is a load of bullshit.

I often suspect that christianity is a gimmick to make people live right.

I suspect that there are ulterior motives behind many of jesus's teachings.

I suspect that there is no hope for anything changing ever.

I suspect that religion is so filled with self fulfilling prophecies that it makes it impossible to distinguish between the will of god and the will of man.

I suspect that the world of revelation in the bible and heaven and hell are just ploys to make living a fulfilling life appear worthwhile.

I suspect that elements of religion are fully aware that there are huge gaps in the logic of religion, and choose to glaze over it for fear of "rebellion"

I suspect that it's impossible to gauge whether a person is getting "better" or "worse," which makes it impossible to gauge whether the world is getting better or worse.

I suspect that prayer is a form of self-help, similar to talking to a therapist, except god never says "how does that make you feel?"

I suspect that people find god where they are looking for him. Like in church, the bible, prayer, polygamy, adulatory, pornography, etc.

I suspect god is silent and inactive.

I suspect our "relationship with god" is highly dictated by how we feel at the time.

I suspect that there are too many contradictions to comprehend or to justify in the bible.

I suspect that I am very afraid that I may believe these things already.


I am very ashamed for thinking these things and very afraid of them. But the problem is, I can't help it. These are conclusions I have drawn through processes of elimination during my pursuit of knowledge. Please! Give me more knowledge. Fix the inconsistencies that I have developed through accident. And don't try to remind me that the pursuit of knowledge of futile, because I'll never gain it all. So is the pursuit of world peace.

Where are you god, when I ask questions that make people angry with me? Why don't you step in and answer my questions? Why would you let your servant wander hopelessly in the desert with no will to call out? Am I not good enough for your time? Can you not set my mind at rest? You tell us to cry out when we are weary, that you will take our yokes upon you. Well here it is! Take it! Why is it still here? I would love nothing more than to be satisfied with the answers to my questions.

Does anybody here remember Vera Lynn?

Remember how she said that we would meet again, some sunny day. Vera, what has become of you? Does anybody else in here feel the way I do?


One of the things I love about the album The Wall by Pink Floyd is the sheer emotion with which the album is constructed. It retains the famous psychedelic element that Pink Floyd fans are addicted to, but the vocal style on this album is unique from every other album, save The Final Cut, which is an album of songs that didn't make The Wall. In so many of the songs on the album, the vocalist, who I just learned was mostly Roger Waters, sounds almost in pain, barely singing the notes in pitch with more of a yell than a standard singing voice. This, however, preceded the era of screamy-music, and really wasn't the same sound.

The topics discussed in The Wall are so various, the listener is practically engulfed in a sea of mixed emotions, all of which boil down to a figurative, and at the shows, a literal, wall. Issues like war, racism and religious prejudice, overbearing mothers, child abuse, dead fathers, and abandonment litter the contents of the album, and the listener's heart is broken every time he or she hears Water's broken voice.

One of the most interesting lyrical elements of The Wall is found in the two songs Empty Spaces and Young Lust. If you have the time, check out the lyrics for Empty Spaces; it really is heartbreaking and personal to Water's experiences. The last four lines (and possibly the only audible lyrics of the song) are:

What shall we use to fill the empty spaces
Where we used to talk?
How shall I fill the final places?
How shall I complete the wall?

These lines transitional seamlessly into the song Young Lust, which of course is all about having lots and lots of sex ("Ooo, I need a dirty woman"). What does this mean?

Maybe

That lust is the final brick in the wall. What isolates a person more from the world than objectification of the most intimate act possible?

Some things with this album speak so closely to home, I wonder how they could be anything but god inspired. Such is the timeless beauty of art and language, the power it has over our lives despite the erosion of centuries (or decades).